JeffR Archives

April 16, 2009

Jeff R.:One of the Usual Suspects

"I have travelled across thousands of light-years to your world, and won't be going home empty-handed. Behold my fleet of scoopships, poised in orbit and ready to extract your world's precious, precious water."

"What? Listen, Klatuu Baratta Nimrod, water isn't even remotely scarce in the cosmos. I mean, it's comprised of hydrogen. which is the most common element of the universe apart from stupidity, and oxygen, the third most common. Fourth. Whatever. Tons of it in gas giants, asteroids, basically anywhere you look for it."

"..."

"..."

"Well, as long as I've come all this way...have you got any women?"

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April 23, 2009

Jeff R.: In The Hideaway

I knocked thrice, and said the words. It had been years since big Pookie's day, but nobody seemed to want to change the password. The floor was covered in a thin layer of sawdust that stuck to the bottoms of your feet, so most people didn't move much. Besides, Red posed by the door, ready to knock the stuffing out of any troublemakers. The doll at the piano was playing her heart out. Nobody was listening. We came for one thing only. It's a pity the only places left to get it at were run by the Teddy Bear Mafia.

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May 1, 2009

Jeff R.: Cultural Anthropology 101

"So you all tie ribbons to this pole, and then dance in circles around it?"

"That's right. But don't leave out the Morris Dancing, or the crowning of the May Queen. Plus there's the bonfire. Not a proper Walpurgis without a nice, big bonfire."

"And this is a fertility ritual...?"

"Oh, yes. Yes indeed. The town's always littered with the babbies three seasons on, if it's done right."

"And this is because of the symbolic unification of the God and the Goddess during the dancing."

"Sure, sure. Well, that and that we all go home and shag like minks afterward."

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May 10, 2010

Jeff R.: Couldn't Ever Bring Myself

She died, two years into our marriage. We were thirty. Her head was cryogenicly frozen. The policies were a joke between us. We never thought it would work.

It didn't. Even when the tech started to show promise, forty years on, it depended on a freezing method invented a few years after her death. Back into storage she went.

Finally, as I approach, thanks to modern medicine, my hundredth birthday, a method for uploading the contents of frozen brains into android bodies became possible. I paid the considerable bill to have it done.

Because killing her once just wasn't enough.

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