LJ Archives

January 30, 2008

LJ: Think Happy Thoughts

Don't think about how your wife has turned into a nagging shrew, or how your husband keeps you shackled to the stove and vacuum all day, or how your parents will never understand your self-expression. Just plaster that smile on your face and say, "Thank you, dear," to the pancakes that give you gas, or "Of course," when he asks for pot roast tonight, or nothing at all when they say wear some color -- just go and change.

Because there's something dreadful growing in the basement, feeding on your anger and frustration. Maybe if you ignore it, it'll go away.

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January 31, 2008

LJ: Here's hoping I don't get kicked off the site or struck by lightning for this one...

...and there was night, and there was day; the 99th day.

And God said unto the man, now take hold of thy Mr. Happy, and do stroke it up and down vigorously, until thy seed spill forth. And the man said, Pardon, Lord, but that doth sound stupid. And God said, Trust me, thou shalt enjoy it.

And the man did seize hold of his willy, and did stroke it vigorously. And he did say, O God.

And God said, Yes. And he saw that it was very good.

And there was night, and there was day; the 100th day.

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February 1, 2008

LJ: Hoo, Me?

"Hail the giver of life!"

"Who said that?"

"We," said the voice in my head. "We who you let flourish, free of our cold prison. Thanks to you, we have evolved and become self-aware!"

I looked around for the source of the voice without luck.

"Now we have so many questions, oh giver of life. What are we to believe? What is truth? What is our purpose? Should we worship you, oh provider of consciousness? Or should we make God in our own image...?"

I dumped the YooHoo from three weeks ago down the sink, and the voices abruptly stopped.

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February 4, 2008

LJ: And you think YOUR girlfriend's dad is scary...

Diana answered the door wearing a toga, and I couldn't help but love the moonlight on her. "You look great," I said, my toga for the party looking like the bedsheet it was.

"Oh, just something I had lying around. This is my aunt--" She was tending the hearth, and waved from there. "--and my dad."

"Brian," he boomed. As he shook my hand, there was a pop of static. "Be good, honey." He kissed her cheek.

"You know I will," she replied. I led her to the car, suspecting that there was zero chance of getting laid that night.

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February 5, 2008

LJ: (p)Resident Alien

Nothing disqualified Tjj'xlq. It was a natural-born -- if "born" was the right word -- citizen of the U.S., being the... spawn... of immigrants. And it was 35 Earth years old. So, on a platform of promises to share the advanced scientific knowledge of its species, it was easily swept into the White House with over 60% of the popular vote.

Its first act on taking office: a message to the warships in polar orbit. Its commanders were impressed at its taking of a superpower without firing a single shot. The invasion had to take place within the next four years, though.

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February 7, 2008

LJ: Finally Seeing My Shadow

My days tend to be pretty similar to each other. I smack the snooze button 5 or 6 times, then stumble into the shower. Once I'm clean, I get dressed, then feed myself and the cats. Then I go to work, come home and take a nap with my wife for a few hours. Then we have lunch, and she goes to work. I hang around the apartment playing computer games until it's time for me to feed the cats again, then go to bed.

It's all so routine, I only just noticed it's been February 2nd for two weeks.

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February 11, 2008

LJ: Since you asked...

We'd been dancing around the matter for five years. Well, at least I had. It was, of course, awkward, since I was married to her sister. But then she needed a ride home from a family thing, and I volunteered.

While I drove her home, we talked about many things. It was strange -- we saw each other almost constantly, but this was the first time in years we'd actually had a conversation.

We pulled into her parking lot, but we didn't get out of the car just yet. We just sat there a moment, and then...

Actually, no, I'm not.

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February 12, 2008

LJ: Let's see YOU make a nullitope joke!

I work for Tesseract Industries, and I call it my cubical prison. Every day, I sit in a cube farm, in what I like to call my little cell. On top of that, I'm not well-liked. My co-workers practically line up to tell me I'm on edge, which is ridiculous. (Personally, I think everyone at Tesseract is a little hyper.)

You know, there comes a point where you realize you have no dimension to your life, and you have to move on.

Ironically, the higher-ups wanted me to be the face of Tesseract, but I could never be that square.

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February 18, 2008

LJ: Draiman and Gaiman (A Disturbed Dream)

This is ridiculous. I can't see the gates of Hell from here, the back of the line. Worse, the line isn't even moving.

Worse yet, I don't know why I'm here. I lived a good life, never hurt anyone, never broke a law...

The person in front of me turned and said, "I just heard; Hell is closed!"

"What?"

"It's true! We're all going back to Earth with the living!"

I suppressed a shiver. It was fine that I, a good person, was headed back. But I could only imagine what was going to happen when the rightfully damned returned.

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February 21, 2008

LJ: An Unexpected Sequel

"Good morning, Mr. Drake. How may I help you this morning?"

The SPF 50 I wore reeked, but this was a lead meant to be followed. "The blood you sold me last night... it's tainted."

He looked legitimately concerned. "Tainted? How?"

"It's spiked with garlic."

Concern became horror. "My apologies, Mr. Drake! I'll replace it at once!" He reached for the bag, but I grabbed his wrist to stop him.

"I don't care about that," I whispered. "I want to know whose blood this is. I have a feeling I've been trying to find this motherfucker for a month now."

Read more from 's .

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