LJ Archives

March 16, 2009

LJ: Shake That Speare!

The New Burbage Festival was floundering. Oh, sure, people came to the musicals from time to time, but Shakespeare? All interest had petered out -- the older customers had already seen it all, the younger customers didn't care about it.

In desperation, the artistic director had a flash of inspiration, as it were. Just imagine: Shakespeare in the nude! Who wouldn't flock to see ancient words spoken by young, nubile bodies? Actors' throats were cleared; gyms were attended.

The first production was an obvious choice: Romeo and Juliet. Or, as the wags on the theatre page called it, The Full Montague.

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March 17, 2009

LJ: The Mobile Moron (based on a true story)

"To activate your cell phone, please dial pound-seven-nine-two."


"Actually, you need to dial that on your cell phone."

"Now push 1."

"Could not be programmed... okay, #792 one more time."

"Fine, let's try something else. Enter star-pound-twelve-seven-three and press SEND."

"You have bears and ducks on your phone... umm..."


"No ma'am, you have to enter this on your new phone."

"Okay, let's try this. Put the phone back in the box, slap on the mailing label, and send the phone back to us. You are too stupid to have a cell phone."

"Thanks for calling Sunshine Wireless, ma'am."

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March 18, 2009

LJ: Paranoia

The pounding at the door came again, and Steve's hands trembled, spoiling what little aim he had as he pointed the .45 at the door. The knob jiggled, and there came a gentle "oof" from the other side as the bolted door held against whoever was throwing his weight against it.

"Don't do it!" Steve screamed, and squeezed off a shot. The bang echoed through the bare room, and with a muffled curse from outside, the handle quit jiggling.

There was silence for a time, then an all-too-familiar voice hollered through the door. "Steve! You idiot! I brought the pizza."

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March 19, 2009

LJ: Your Afterlife's Direction

"Registration form, please."

I started stammering, and the reception's smile faded. "You have filled out your registration form, haven't you?"

"I didn't know I needed a form to die."

She pursed her lips. "Triplicate, with one notarized copy at least. We do need to know where you're headed."

I counted on my fingers. If they needed three copies... "Maybe you could just call the main office..."

She sighed, punched a few numbers and picked up the handset. After a brief conversation, she set it down again. "Oh, yes, sir. He knows you very well. No doubt where you're ending up."

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March 23, 2009

LJ: Break Me

Why do I wear a mask? Because I have to.

Because I swore on my parents' grave that I would save this city from the evil that lived and bred within it. And that was my life's work for over a decade. One by one, the ones who rise fell again, brought down by none other than I, the one they call Dark Knight.

But it's all over. I finally met my match, and ended up with a broken back for my trouble. Now, here I lay, wondering if I'll ever walk again, breathing oxygen.

One mask earned me another.

With a tip of the hat to Bob Kane and all who followed.

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March 24, 2009

LJ: Salad Days

A salad bar is a great people-watching spot.

For instance, at the bleu cheese dressing, we have a large man deceiving himself into thinking his chef's salad piled high with eggs, ham, beef, and two kinds of cheese is a healthy thing. It's a salad, right?

Move forward to the honey mustard and you'll find a single mom contemplating her future as she passes by the light Italian. There it can be seen: the long-awaited acceptance that she's gone from a hot young thing to someone's mom, and can sacrifice shape for energy and taste.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

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March 27, 2009

LJ: A New Dawn

It was a delicious smell, like the smell I'd known for centuries... but subtly different.

He offered me a glass of whatever it was. I gave him a wary glance, but drank deeply of it.

I exhaled heavily, and my lips curled in a smile. It wasn't the real thing, but it did quench the Thirst. "It's good."

"It's better," he replied, and opened the shade, letting in sunlight. I instinctively flinched... but did not burn.

Had my blood still run, it would have run cold. He had done more than cure the Thirst.

Our world was about to change.

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March 30, 2009

LJ: Simple Solutions

It was the last straw. He had been henpecked to the very edge by his wife's constant nagging, and now...

He turned the key again, and all the electronics went dead again.

He sighed. If he were a man to curse, he would have. Instead, he popped the hood.

Once he looked at the engine, he immediately noticed one of the battery contacts was loose. He tightened it with a wrench, and then the car started just fine.

Sometimes problems that seem huge have a simple solution.

He thought about that, then headed back inside the house, wrench in hand.

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March 31, 2009

LJ: Daily Grind

I spend an hour every morning waiting in traffic as I drive into the city, every day terrified I won't make it in time. Then I make it to work, and the hours drag by, making me feel like it will never end. Then, of course, leaving work, leaving the city, another hour in traffic thinking I'll never make it home.

Then I spend the rest of my time dreading that this will be my life, forever.

It just feels like it would be so much simpler to just change my life. But then I'd worry about so much more.

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April 1, 2009

LJ: The Tyranny of the Blank Webpage

So, at the end of the day... none of the regular front-pagers wrote a story to follow my choice of theme.

I feel so rejected, really. I thought a theme of "You fool!" on April 1st would be, like, clever or something. But no. One story in the comments -- a good one -- but no one else writes for my theme.

I suppose it says something that I came up totally blank for it, too. It was just a little too open-ended, really. I like open-ended, but when it inspires no ideas at all...

Guess the joke's on me.

You fool.

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