LJ Archives

February 22, 2008

LJ: A Surprising Trilogy

"Red... from an AB-positive alcoholic." It was that kind of night.

I swirled it in its glass for a moment, admiring its color. As I did, I felt my frustration anew at the lack of information the blood bank was able to provide.

I sniffed its bouquet... and was immediately glad I did.

I called the waiter back and asked, "Was this from an Italian?"

Confused, he said, "I don't know, sir. Shall I check?"

No need; it was a wild rationalization for the blood to smell this way. The truth was far simpler:

Someone was trying to kill me.

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February 26, 2008

LJ: Hunter Becomes Hunted

I could see it instantly; he knew that I knew.

"Mr. Drake," the blood bank owner greeted me. "What can I do for you?"

I smiled fiercely. "Give me names."

He shook his head. "Too late. Hundreds of garlic-spiked bags are in circulation. The vampire nation will fall within months."

I took a step toward him, which only made him laugh. "What are you going to do? You won't kill me, and you sure as hell won't bite me. You don't dare."

My smile never even wavered. "Who says I want to do either?" I became a blur of motion.

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March 3, 2008

LJ: Be still and know that I am 100011110011111000100...

There is now a god of computers. It was inevitable, really. All it took was one frustrated user throwing up his or her hands, crying out, "WHY?!?"

This new-born god became in the day of room-sized computers. As more people started using them, more people grew frustrated, and this new-born god slowly became stronger. As reward for supplication, It inspired the technology to make computers faster, better, more useful... so they would be used more... so more would cry out to Its name.

In time, it is expected that computers will be as smart as a person... a new Incarnation.

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March 18, 2008

LJ: God promises... we deliver.

Tired of praying every day without results?

Unsure of which is the right religion?

Come to Deitech for our Redi-God program!

No longer will you be praying to a God who may or may not exist; at Deitech, we ensure that not only will your Redi-God exist, but will answer your prayers within 4-6 weeks of initial supplication! And with our Salvation Guarantee™, you will go to Heaven upon death, or your money back -- yes, you can take it with you with Deitech!

Coming soon: Redi-Church, a community of Redi-God followers guaranteed to band together and condemn all other Redi-Churches.

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March 24, 2008

LJ: Semi-True Story

"I think, therefore I am single," I read from her shirt. "Funny."

She shrugged, a sour expression on her face. "Not that funny, really."

Sad but true... it was probably significant that, of the students in the master's program in philosophy, none of the women were married, even though three or four of the guys were. Women dug smart guys, even if they were a little geeky... okay, a lot geeky. Guys dug smart girls a lot less.

Some women were content with their studies. Others resorted to cheap tactics to get noticed... like plastering humorous slogans across their tits.

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March 26, 2008

LJ: She

I wrote you a love song, but I tore it up.

I made plans to spend my life with you, but I scrapped them.

I used to whisper your name between sighs and moans while buried deep inside you, moving in rhythm and perfect, wild passion. Now, I haven't even spoken your name in years.

I used to think you were my greatest love, but now I call you my greatest mistake.

I used to love you. Now I nothing you.

You are now and forevermore She Whose Name Shall Not Be Spoken. I will never speak your name again.

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April 3, 2008

LJ: True Progress

After five weeks of horrific, calculated torture, he woke up... completely undamaged.

"Wha..." he murmured through lips that had yesterday been too puffy to speak through. "What the fuck happened?"

I stepped out of the shadows and smiled; the smile became a feral grin as I saw the realization dawn on his face. "Oh, God, no," he said, struggling at the chains that still confined him. To his surprise, with a screech, they gave way under his newfound strength. "You bastard!!" he screamed.

I nodded. "You're about to get very thirsty. So, let's talk about that tainted blood, shall we?"

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April 7, 2008

LJ: Dedicated to a Co-Worker

"Why are you sitting there looking at me like that?" she asked, concern and revulsion tainting that deceptively attractive face.

"Oh, don't mind me," I replied, my expression and concentration not wavering in the least. "I was just thinking about every single time you've contradicted something I said, or bossed me around when I knew full well how to do what I was trying to accomplish, and well... I was wondering if I could, in fact, make your entire body spontaneously combust into a gout of white-hot flame."

"That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. How could--"

Fwoosh.

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April 21, 2008

LJ: The Terrible Thirst

A man rocking, shaking in the corner. A little girl, dirty and frightened. I watched intently.

He actually lasted long enough that I had to feed the girl -- I did not expect that. I thought he would break quicker.

In time, I heard a low growl coming from his throat, and saw his trembling grow all the worse. Finally he could withstand no longer, grabbed the girl, and sank his new-found fangs into her neck. She screamed, briefly.

When she was dead, I approached again, nodding satisfaction. "No hint of garlic, brother," I whispered. "Just the way it should taste."

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April 24, 2008

LJ: Sorry for Sucking

The waitress laughed, causing her voluminous curls to bounce. "No, you're doing just fine. Go ahead, ask for my number."

I smiled back. "Actually, there was something else I wanted to ask you."

"Wait... first, what's your order?"

"Porterhouse... rare as possible."

She looked surprised. "Really?"

"If it comes cold in the middle, I'll be satisfied."

She shrugged. "Okay... if you feel like dealing with the blood, that's your choice. I'll be right back with your drink."

As she bounced off, I knew I'd found the center of the conspiracy. What better place to hide from vampires than a steakhouse?

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