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August 6, 2007


There was a fairly recent theme on the Bulwer-Lytton competition (the results of most recent which can be found here), so this time let's do a variant: post the last 100 words of the most awful novel never written.

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Dave: Gone with the Euro

"But will I never see you again?" his Mother begged him.

"No," he said, looking upon her with sad fondness, "you've made it clear my work at the European Monetary Union is offensive to you.  But in turn, no longer shall you receive any leftover obsolete currency from the storage vaults -- no more Lire, Drachmas, Pesetas, nor Deutschmarks.  No matter how much I care for you, I cannot hand over any of to you."

"But, not even my beloved French bank notes, my Son? Where shall I go for them?  What shall I do?"

"Dearly, my Dam, I won't give a Franc."

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David: The Thrilling Conclusion

Madigan lowered his machine gun. “That’s for my daughter,” he spat at the drug dealers lying bleeding before him.

“Madigan!” The chief’s voice slammed into the crack den, interrupting the cop’s reverie. He stumbled outside, into the spotlights and gun barrels of his fellow officers. “Now you’ve done it!” the chief continued. “The mayor’s gonna crawl up my ass and sleep there for a week after this. Hand in your gun and badge! Now!”

Madigan dropped his weapon, and fell to his knees beside it, exhausted. He looked up at the moon and softly whispered, “It’s over, baby. Rest now.”

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Ted: So bad it needs a sequel...

Dr. Emilio Rapa lowered the slime encrusted pail down into the dank and fetid well, feeling melancholy that yet another assistant had not survived his ministry. The rusted and corroded pull chain bit into his hands: hands that had killed as often as cured. "That reminds me, I need to get Junior his boosters. Inoculations are too important to skip. I dare say this chain alone is a veritable incubator for lockjaw. Wouldn't you agree, dear?"

The head of his late assistant refused to answer from its resting place.

The doctor and Junior, his clone, then made good their escape.

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