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October 17, 2006

10.17.06

There once was man from Nantucket...

The was a young lady from Kent...

Today, let us write of people with amazing but unusual talents..kind of like Stupid Human Tricks.

(limericks only if original, but be sure to pad enough for the word count)

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Jim: Fish Tale

There once was a man we’ll call Tim
Who could take any shape that pleased him.
One day for some thrills,
He went and grew gills,
And now you should see that guy swim.

There was also a mermaid named Anne
Who lived deep in the Carribee-an.
She saw Tim swim by,
And she just had to cry,
With the lust that she felt for that man.

As things that are new often go,
Their spawning was awkward and slow.
But they both said it was fun,
Then when they were done,
They were left with a pile of roe.

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Tanya: Fight or Flight

Kate found the big hole in the bridge
As her car passed right over the edge
But she shrieked as she spied
The big hairy naked guy
Who placed her safely back on the ridge

Beth's whole life outlook was dire
As her apartment was consumed by a fire
But she was so filled with loathing
For her rescuer’s lack of clothing
That she nearly fled back in the pyre

You see, Hugo could fly through the air
But only when perfectly bare
And he found to his haunting
There wasn't much wanting
For a hero with nothing to wear

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David: Subtle, Yet Powerful

I entered the convenience store in a hurry, as I was running late. I grabbed a few items off the shelves without putting much thought into it: can of potato chips, beef jerky, pack of gum, a couple sodas.

I rushed to the counter and put down my selections. As the counter jockey rang them up, I pulled out a few bills, put them on the counter, went back in for a handful of change, counted some out, and added them to the pile.

“That’ll be $3.47,” he said. I pointed to the money, scooped up my purchases, and left.

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Ted: Finding a Niche

The genetic disaster that gave rise to Johnson's malformed spine also gave him a remarkable flexibility, night-vision, and flipper hands. When he went to enlist, the recruiter passed him along only because the month-end quota was looming. The pecker-checker failed him as soon as he saw Johnson standing in his skivvies with the other kids at MEPS.

But one crusty old gunny pulled the doctor aside. He had seen Johnson's type before. After a few words, the doc stamped Johnson's papers "special duty approved."

Johnson joined the USMC for the sole purpose of being a tunnel-rat, and he was magnificent.

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Michele: Parlor Tricks

Fucking cherry knots. How cliche. But when you’re drunk and horny and have no pride, tying a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue works.

Well, it worked for Freda. It’s how she got all the guys. I needed to come up with some trick of my own. Fuck cherry knots.

And then I saw it on the internet. Oh, that beats cherries any day.

I practiced. It was easier than I thought it would be.

Turns out that no one really wants to go home with a girl who can shoot ping pong balls out of her vagina.

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From the Comments: Kieran Halcyon

The day after the shipwreck was the worst. Rations are hard to keep fresh when you're floating atop them - Arthur's food was gone in a week, and his strength flagged. Only a fierce determination to survive held him to the wreckage, a silent cry for help forever on his lips.

The dolphins were the first to respond, bringing him perch each morning. Soon schools of fish were gently pushing him coastward. A week later, Arthur spotted a Coast Guard cutter, and begged a passing humpback to get their attention.

He told them his story. They laughed and threw him back.

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