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September 30, 2005

Volume 6. Issue 30

Describe unto us all a completely useless superpower that one might possess.

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D: Black & White

My moral compass makes me the envy of all who ask my opinion. When I was younger I was always so indecisive and I would never be able to answer a question. One time I peed myself rather than ask permission to go to the bathroom because I didn’t know if I needed to go. But these days I can simply use my soul-searching ability and instinctively know what is right and what is wrong. My wife tells me that I'm so holier-than-thou and moralistic and I look at her and say "yes, I am" without an iota of guilt.

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Michele: Swimming With the Fishies

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The Eschatologist: The Chandler's Letter

Dear Mum,

I'm sorry it's been so long since my last letter, and I have bad news. I've always been an unusual child, suffering through incessant taunts and barbs. You made the best life for me you could, but after a fashion I knew I would have to strike out on my own.

I've lost my job, mum. I've failed, and I'm going to be coming home. It is apparent that Yankee Candle is now capable of making their own scents, and my spare-time experiments such as 'Sweaty Man Ass' are no longer welcome in the company.

Your loving son.

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Ted: The Tickler

Miss Ginger, my childhood babysitter, had the most amazing ability. She could tickle a child from across a room, never even touching him. All she had to do to was use her special tickling voice and say "I'm gonna getcha with my tickle finger" and we would crack up laughing. She could even sneak up behind us, just say the words, and we would be helpless.

Years later, we all came to realize that this was not babysitting at all, but systematic torture. We killed her, buried her in the woods, and ate her fingers charbroiled with a nice lambrusco.

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