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September 30, 2005

Volume 6. Issue 30

Describe unto us all a completely useless superpower that one might possess.

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Superguy called in the first candidate to replace Captain Hemisphere. Fishdude, Rubber Woman, the Human Match, and Atomic Girl made up the rest of the membership committee.

"I use the immense power of my mind to concentrate, put myself into a trance, and travel an hour into the future," Hourglass told them.

"Can you come back?" asked the Human Match.

"No, it only works one way," Hourglass replied. "I just concentrate for about an hour ..."

There were groans all aound the table, and Hourglass looked around desperately. "I have gone as far as eight hours into the future overnight ..."

"Next!"

Posted by: hnumpah at September 30, 2005 6:36 AM · Permalink

“How come there’s never a cop around when you need one?”

I never have to worry about that. Whenever I break a traffic law, without exception, a policeman appears almost out of nowhere, and I have to pull over and take my medicine.

Once I thought I had a chance to put this gift to good use. I was driving past a small bank and saw a robbery taking place. The sign on the corner said NO RIGHT TURN ON RED. I made the turn, and was handing the officer my license as the getaway car disappeared in the distance.

Posted by: ErnieG at September 30, 2005 9:47 AM · Permalink

“Next! Name and superpower.”

“I call myself The Gnostic. I know the mind of God.”

“Excuse me?”

“The mind of God. I know exactly what God wants to have happen in any situation.”

“I see. Weaknesses?”

“I’m an atheist.”

“Uh huh. Any known arch-nemeses?”

“Just one. The Blasphemer. He’s my evil twin. He has exactly the same power as me, but he does the opposite of what God wants.”

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know. Next! Name and superpower.”

“My name is Bruce, and my fashion sense is fabulous!”

“Who's letting these people in here? Are we on TV?”

Posted by: David at September 30, 2005 2:08 PM · Permalink

I can read women’s minds.

The guys out there might think that’s a good thing. It isn’t. Believe me, even if you know what they want you to do, most of the time they aren’t happy with that, either. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a woman think, “I wish he’d open the door for me,” and then when I do it, give me hell for it, saying, “I can take care of myself.”

Trust me, you don’t want to know what they’re thinking.

I finally had to withdraw from society. I can’t stop reading their minds.

Posted by: cranky-d at October 2, 2005 5:00 PM · Permalink