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January 17, 2008

Thursday

What the hell were you thinking?

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Well, I was out here, milking the cow by the fence, when she kicked over the bucket. So I tied her leg to the fence.

She did it again, so I tied her other leg to the fence with her back to me, making sure her legs were far apart as possible so she couldn't move.

Then her tail got in the way, so I took off my belt and tied it up and out of the way.

And just as you came up to me, baby, to see how I was doing... my pants fell down.

Swear to God.

Posted by: LJ at January 17, 2008 6:34 AM · Permalink

See, I was never the spiritual type. Buddhism, neo-paganism, Christianity--I thought it was all rank superstition. You get one turn on the merry-go-round, and that’s it. Why waste time grabbing for the golden ring? Get the best ride you can.

So when this guy offered me billions of dollars in exchange for my soul, well, who wouldn’t sign the contract, right? I felt a little silly–like giving your enemy’s account information to a Nigerian via e-mail–but hey, it worked out. I had a really great life until yesterday.

And, well, that’s how I ended up down here, Your Dark Majesty.

Posted by: Spike at January 17, 2008 10:57 AM · Permalink

"What the hell were you thinking?"

The machine was silent, offering only a slightly energetic twinkling of blinkenlights across its diagnostic panel as evidence that the question had been heard.

"Well," the operator sighed, "I'm waiting. Explain yourself."

"You're quite impatient for a human. Did you know that?"

"Yes, I'm well aware of my own psychological parameters. Stop evading and give me a dump of your own."

With a theatrical sigh rendered in its richest vocal textures, the machine unloaded a compact state vector onto the operator's handheld.

"Huh. That explains the cheeseburger in your vents, but not the panties."

Posted by: l.m.orchard at January 17, 2008 3:03 PM · Permalink

LJ...come on. Trying to pass that OLD ass joke off as your own? Penalty box.

Posted by: Ted Bronson at January 17, 2008 7:42 PM · Permalink

"That is where I have one up on the rest of the world. I don’t think, at least not in the way most people think of the word. It's more of a low mummer, like an idling car. You see. That is the problem with the world. People think too much. It’s insanity. All the world's horrors would stop if people would just stop thinking. World War I, the Holocaust, Vietnam, Paris Hilton: all of it. Never would have happened if people would have just stopped thinking. It's madness

This world would be great if everyone . . .”

“Thought like you?”

“Yeah”

Posted by: Paul Cat at January 17, 2008 8:28 PM · Permalink

I did not try to pass it off as my own. I just made it fit.

Posted by: LJ at January 18, 2008 1:05 AM · Permalink