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August 31, 2007

Friday

And they all lived ... happily ever after?

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David: Arranged Marriage

All right, here’s a story, kids. Once upon a time, your lazy, no-account father was rampaging across the countryside, raping and pillaging, when he came upon a tower in the middle of Goddamned nowhere. It was the very tower my bitch stepmother had locked me in years earlier, because she was jealous of my perfect teeth or some shit.

Anyway, your shiftless, drunken father smashed his way through the wall, completely avoiding the tests of worth ensorcelled into the door. The rules said I had to marry the asshole, or die.

And that’s where babies come from. Go to sleep.

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Jim: Counterpoint

I don’t believe we ever spoke about how I met your mother. As a lesser scion of a minor house, I became a knight-errant. There was much work for a righteous sword during those dreadful times.

The same wicked sorceress that had ensnared your grandfather’s heart also held your mother captive. Using only a battering ram, I found a way past the witch’s spells and rescued your mother.

Oh, she was so radiant and beautiful! I instantly fell on my knees and begged her to marry me. My heart still leaps with joy as I remember the moment she accepted!

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Stacy: Rebuttal

Bitch? Upon my honor, I never raised her to have such a cruel tongue. I had to lock her in the tower! She wouldn’t, to put it delicately, keep her skirts down, if you take my meaning. A girl without virtue is a girl without a husband, in this day and age. And I only enspelled her after she escaped for the fifth time...

Wicked? ME? I tried to warn him, I did, but he was so full of himself. Young men are impossible to reason with, especially penniless third sons.

I do so love visiting with the grandchildren, though.

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Jeff R.:Riposte

My first was to inherit my lands, and looked to be bright enough to manage them even better than I.

My second, as tradition required, joined the army, where he became one of the King's most trusted officers.

My third, though...well, he ought to have joined the clergy. That's how it's been for generations. But instead, he fled, and became a highwayman.

Providence punished us all for this rebellion. My second was accused (falsely) of treason, and executed, and our lands seized and sold. But the one responsible got a far worse punishment.

He got that woman for a wife.

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Ted: Coda

Yay, riding lessons.

This is what I'm reduced to.

I was a warhorse with the King's Own, Honorably Retired, until that bastard stole me from my pasture. I carried that sack of suet off to "battle" the evil witch. Stupid sods rode me double for days, and me without decent shoes, on the way back. Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep two sloppy drunks from falling out of the saddle while they are working on that first baby?

Didn't think so.

So yeah, put little princey on my back again without a saddle, go ahead.

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