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July 23, 2007

Monday

In the spirit of the occasion: How would you get into (or stay out of) trouble at Hogwarts?

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Jim: Harry Potter and the Home Depot

Many things around Hogwarts give me the heebie-jeebies. There is absolutely no privacy; what with random ghosts and living souls captured in the artwork. But you get used to that.

The creepiest thing is how all the stairways tend to move around while you’re on them. As often as not, you may have thought that you were walking to the restroom but instead found yourself at the Den of Incomprehensible Doom or some equally ominous place.

I soon discovered, though, that ‘moving stair magic’ can’t stand up against a Stanley hammer and a few boxes of 15 gauge steel nails.

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Michele: Expellarimus!

To: Dursleys

Your nephew has been expelled from Hogwart's.

At first, Harry was a bright, intuitive student with a great future. Despite the pressure put on him in regards to his ancestry, he performed magnificently.

Recently, however, Harry was spending a lot of extra time in the potions lab. We assumed he was being studious and inventive.

To our shock and surprise, Harry spent that time making methamphetamine for sale and distribution to our student body.

He has single handedly created a serious drug problem on our campus.

You may pick him at Azkaban in three to five years.

Snape

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David: Mr. Mugglesworth

“But, it’s a castle!”

“It’s a hellhole. Look at this place, all dusty and crumbling. No one’s been in here in centuries, probably.”

“Can’t you feel the power of this place? Drawing you to it?”

“No, actually. All I feel is a little dry mouth. Listen to you. ‘Feel the power of this place’. Bah. Next, you’ll be telling me that it’s really chock full of novice sorcerers learning their craft, but I can’t see them because my heart isn’t pure, or some nonsense.”

“You have no sense of wonder in your soul, Barnaby.”

“Oh, I have sense, all right.”

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From The Comments: Nick

"Can you cut them off? They don't look very healthy to me."

"I don't want to do that. We'd have to put it under anesthesia, and it may not wake up."

"Can you just freeze them off then?"

The veterinarian looked at the farmer with a puzzled look on his face. "It's not really a necessary procedure. The animal can live comfortably until slaughter with these on it. It shouldn't affect the bacon."

"You're sure about that? I send some of my pigs off to auction and this could lower the bidding."

"I assure you, hog warts are quite common."

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