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July 6, 2007


Tell us about how you deal with vermin.

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Sealyon: Renfield, Inc: Exterminators

I actually don’t mind the spiders and the flies so much. They are easy to catch, and I hardly taste them at all. The sparrows are harder – difficult to catch and they are too crunchy. After the first few, they became wary of the birdseed offered on the windowsill. Rats are easiest; fearless and curious, even as they watch me eat their brothers. They are tough and gamey, but they are also the Master’s favorite.

It’s not for me you understand, it’s for the Master! He requires it. He’ll be here soon, and I have to be ready. Or else.

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Jeff R.: Uncle Herman Knows His Stuff

My Uncle Herman built a better mousetrap, and the world did in fact beat a path to his door- carrying torches and ptichforks. That's another story, but one that I'd hoped Alva had taken to heart. No such luck.

When the Code: Nickel Metal Hydride intelligence-enhanced rodents he was working on for the school science fair escaped and bred with the local population, I told him to let it go. But after they started attending classes and wrecking the curve for the school bullies, Alva volunteered to help them with their problem.

His solution: Robot Cats.

Heaven help us all.

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Stacy: Hare Trigger

I’ve tried everything, I really have. Poison, traps, elaborate schemes. But he’s still out there, still chewing up carrots and god knows what else. It’s the same old thing, day in day out… I come up with a plan, invest time, energy and money, and he ruins it. It doesn’t even have to be a plan that involves getting rid of the varmint, and still he ruins it. It ain’t natural, I tell you, a rabbit being that smart.

I’d just shoot him but it doesn’t seem sportsmanlike. It’s like I gotta outwit him, somehow.

Oh, I hates that rabbit.

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Michele: Rat Race

Hank's the name. Killin's the game. Rats, mostly. Bring in the most cash.

Follow me over this way. Gonna hit this abandoned building. Good gettins in here.

Now, gotta be careful how we get the critters. Head shots. Body with bullet holes ain't worth nothin' to noone.

Stand back and watch. Woweee! Look at them drop! Gotta be fast and get 'em before they scatter. Seven! Eight! Nine!

Good haul for five minutes, eh?

Now let's bag 'em and bring 'em to the kabob guy.

What? What did you think kabobs were made with?

Hah. Country folk. Don't know nothin'.

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