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June 11, 2007

Monday

It's gross. It's smelly. It's completely revolting.

Write about a sewer.

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David: Quite Possibly The Most Disgusting Thing I've Ever Written

The stench of human filth almost made me vomit through my spandex mask. The crazed geologist turned super-villain whom the press had dubbed “The Mole Man” had committed another jewel heist and escaped below the city streets. It was up to me, Captain Midnight, to track him down and bring him to justice.

Hours of disgusting searching through the sewers led me to the Mole Man’s lair. Next to the stolen gem satchel, I spotted my quarry, half-submerged in a river of sludge, bathing in it, rubbing it against his bare skin and into his hair.

That’s it; I quit.

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Sealyon: Diver Down

Suited up, geared up, I check my hand-me-down regulator. All clear. We fall backwards into the pool, just like normal scuba divers.

It’s hard to see in the pool, it reeks, and we never swim up on a school of brightly colored reef fish. We never see sharks, moray eels, or unflappable green sea turtles. We do see dead bodies, furniture, random trash, and things unidentifiable jammed up against the outtake fan. We see them, and we haul them off the fan, out of the pool, allowing the citizens to safely flush for another day.

There’s the signal: lunch break.

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Jeff R.: The Underground

Out of all of the stenches we learned to endure, raw sewage turned out to be much more pleasant than you'd think. Zeds hunt by smell, and the sewers were full of just enough filth to mask the smell of brains.

Problem was, we weren't nearly the first to find out about it, and the people who were were well-armed and dug in and vicious.

"Fast Zeds". In the first infestation, it was a dark joke. What it meant was 'living people you had to kill to survive.' It wasn't until the second infestation that that joke turned to ash.

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Jim: Maybe It Was Bigfoot...

About a dozen years ago, a couple of college students decided to write papers about the myth concerning alligators in the sewers. My friend Mort managed the sanitation department back then and he cleared them to climb on down and do their research.

They waded around for a few weeks analyzing all sorts of things: water purity, potential food supplies, water temperature, stuff like that. They concluded that large reptiles could not survive in that environment.

The day after submitting their papers, they went down one last time to retrieve their equipment. They never returned.

They both received ‘A’s. Posthumously.

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Stacy: Oh, You Meant...

“Martha, what on earth is this?”

“It’s the mending, Mum. Oi’ve done the master’s doublet, your hose, the children‘s nappies, the second best table linens, the downstairs draperies…”

“And what is that smell?”

“Mum, Oi’ve washed them…”

“In what, Martha, the pig trough? That stench is awful. You know the laundresses handle all the washing below stairs. Whatever possessed you?”

“Mum…”

“But Martha, these stitches, they’re not even. There’s thread hanging loose here, this part is still rent, and that hem is uneven.”

“Oh Mum, Oi’m so sorry. Oi tried my best, Oi really did, but Oi’m a revolting sewer.”

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