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April 4, 2007


The subject line of some spam I received began with, "Gods Do Not Drink Alcohol While Pregnant...".

From what else should gods refrain?

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David: Things Loki Is No Longer Allowed To Do

Loki may not steal Mjolnir and replace it with a comically large clown mallet.

Loki may not urinate on the Tree of Life, no matter how drunk.

Loki may not invite ice trolls and fire giants to dinner on the same night.

Loki may not place burning sacks full of Fenrir poop on the doorstep of the Feasthall of Valhalla, knock, and run away.

Loki may not dispatch the Valkyries to Midgard to buzz the homes of world leaders.

Loki may not send love notes to Hel signed, “Your pookiebear, Odin.”

Loki may not precipitate Ragnarok “because I was bored.”

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Jim: Begin Again

The Council of Journeymen studiously ignored the anxious Apprentice standing a few paces away.

“Heaven and Earth,” sniffed the Eldest.

“And all in one day,” approved a Senior.

The Eldest harrumphed and continued, “Firmament on day two, dry land and plants on day three…”

“Days Four through Six; sun, stars and a complete ecosystem,” smiled another Senior. “Even had a day left over.”

“But Man?” the Eldest added. “That wasn’t in the specs.”

The Apprentice coughed. “I-I thought adding Man was a nice touch,” he stammered.

“Bah!” barked the Eldest. “Man makes it flawed! Tear it up and start over!”

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Ted: The Rebirth

His people had limited his influence through the centuries, all to plan.

First they stopped the monthly offerings in order to feed the little ones better. This made the children grow stronger and allowed them to spread his influence to more lands. The converts made up for the loss.

Then they stopped the offerings at the solstices. They were lean times. But his people grew stronger than their neighbors through the winter and summer, so the god was pleased.

Eventually, only one old woman was left who held to the old ways.

When he visited her, she became a legend.

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Jeff R.: On Gods, Children, and Other Nuisances

The first thing to understand is that the idea of refraining from anything is utterly foreign to the divine temperment. Rather like three-year-olds, except that there isn't anybody around to give a god a good spanking, and if there was it'd probably enjoy it.

We're talking about a group with sexual ethics that make tomcats look like comatose nuns. They'll go at it with brothers, sisters, parents, children, farm animals, planets, trees, inanimate objects, shades of the color blue.

There's one thing that they won't touch, though: birth control. Which is why the world gets so lousy with demigods nowadays.

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Dave: It works both ways

"Gods," the large, burly gent in a toga intoned thick-tongued, swaying slightly, "do not drink alcohol while pregnant."

"So no problem for you," Roger said, conversationally.

"You'd be surprised." The deity belched, profoundly. "Nothin' much beyond our powers."

The bronze krator smashed into the laurel-crowned back of his head. The deity toppled over and crashed to the floor, out like a light.

"What took you?" Roger asked.

Chrys snorted. "Finally figured out he’s the kiddie murderer. Jerk's so plastered, he didn't even get the saying right. It's 'Gods shouldn't kill babies while drunk.'"

Roger shuddered, and started dialing the cops.

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