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March 12, 2007

3.12.07

You go into your kitchen in the morning and there's a note next to your coffee maker. What does it say?

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Stacy: New, From Black and Decker...

Dear Dave,

Please clean me.

Love,
Your Coffee Pot

“Very funny, Nancy,” he yawned, fumbling for the filters.

‘Everyone knows cleaning the coffee pot is the best way to ruin the flavor,’ he thought grumpily as he filled the reservoir. He spooned the grounds into the filter basket and pressed the Start button. Nothing happened.

He pressed Start again. The LCD timer blinked once, then began to flash wildly.

“What the…”

The flashing LCD resolved itself into words… CLEAN ME, DAVE…

He yelped as the pot spewed hot water across the front of his shirt.

I SAID CLEAN ME, DAVE…

Read more from Stacy's .

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David: Cafe Fear

“Enjoy this gift, Mr. Prosecutor,” was all the note said. He left it untouched where it was, next to the brand new coffee maker sitting on his counter. The coffee maker he hadn’t bought, or in fact ever seen before in his life.

The DA quickly patrolled his house, checking every door and window. All were closed and locked. The alarm system was still on. He even checked the fireplace flue, feeling silly as he did so.

It was a message. They could get to him whenever they wanted, and he wouldn’t even see them coming.

Damn the Valdez case!

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Tanya: Untitled

“The workmen will be here at 7am.” I read the note, bleary-eyed, as I poured my first cup.

“p.s. We’re out of milk.”

Dammit. I dumped the coffee in the sink and opened a can of Mountain Dew. It was putridly warm, and I opened the freezer to see three empty ice trays. Goddammit. The soda followed the coffee into the sink.

I looked up to see one of the workmen at the window, and pulled my robe tighter. Bastard.

“What the fuck are you looking at?!”

He smiled and held up two creamers from McDonalds. This day’s looking up.

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Jeff R.: One Way to Say Goodbye

Dear Frank,

For the past twelve years, I've been having an affair with your brother. The kids? His. Except for Nate; he's either the plumber's or the electrician's.

Anyway, yesterday his wife found out about us, so there's no point in hiding anymore. By the time you read this, we'll all be hundreds of miles away.

Of course, I emptied out the bank accounts. Including the one you've been putting the money you embezzled from the firm.

Your sister-in-law's in the basement freezer. And all over your Buick. And the police should be arriving in a few hours.

Ciao,
Lisa.

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Jim: Switching From Coffee To Whine

I picked up the note.

You Arrogant Crumb Bum, the note began.

How dare you criticize me? I have to go to work every morning, even on weekends. And you? The only time you’re motivated is when you can see the bread. And then you turn all red at having to put forth any effort at all.

I serve an important, irreplaceable function in this household. And you? Well, there are others here who can do your job at least as well as you can…

I slid the note over to the AI toaster. “This is for you,” I sighed.

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Ted: Diabolus Ex

Bruther Ted:

You must obay my commamments and keep them wholly.

Flix jobber rutabega
Sim zort exchert
Snerd snood ne snood snerd
Rasa burtle ix glor
sseecoidk
#@!!!89)
Buffy the vampire slayer
Waffles
1001000001110010110011110000101010101100101011010110001101011
Cheese

Follw deese commamments or shirley you shall perfish and bern.

Great.

The very first verifiable contact with divinity in thousands of years, and the god in question... is illiterate?

Could this be a code? Should I sell my coffee pot on U-sell-it dot com? Would even GPC bid on this?

"Sorry, pal. I'm Catholic. Besides, God speaks Latin"

"dammit!" said the coffee pot and disappeared.

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Michele: P/A

Dear Henry,

I made you coffee. I hope it's good.

I've been sad lately, Henry. Nothing I do pleases you. I try so hard to be everything you want, but it's never good enough.
Don't you love me anymore, Henry? Am I too ugly or stupid?

It seems all I do is cry and I know how much you hate when I cry.

So no more crying, Henry. Don't worry about that. You will never, ever have to see my cry again.

By the time this coffee is finished brewing, I'll be in dead in the garage.

Enjoy your coffee.

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From The Comments: *** Dave

“I loaded the coffee.”

That’s all the note beside the maker said, a tender reminder of her love. She’d known I was getting up early in the morning, working from home, stressed and cranky and angry and irritable – and desperate for caffeine.

She'd done it after I’d gone up to bed. The special caramel blend bought a few weeks back. Filtered water from the fridge rather the tap, just to taste the better.

It was so quintessentially her, I wondered why I’d strangled her the night before.

I sighed. I’d need to drink some coffee before tackling that particular problem.

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