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January 8, 2007

1.8.07

The dog ate my homework, or the alarm didn't go off....you get the idea.

I need a very elaborate excuse...

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Jeff R.: To: Mrs Ekhard
From: Professor Emeritus Thwackwell-Sark

Please excuse my son's lack of today's homework. He did in fact complete it, but shortly afterward it was eaten.

Not by, as is stereotypically the case, a dog, but a highly dangerous grade-3 verbivore, who then consumed the sources used, the textbook, and eventually the concept of homework itself.

After a lengthy temporal excursion, we restored most of the damage, but then needed to visit Queen Titania of Faerie to persuade her to prevent Napoleon's second escape, a mishap of that excursion.

He would have re-done the assignment, but by that time it was (subjectively) well past his bedtime.

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David: You’re Never Going To Believe This

“This cheerleader from the local college knocked on my door, in her little cheerleader outfit, soaking wet from the rain. She told me she’d hit my mailbox swerving to avoid my cat, who had gotten out earlier in the day. I let her in and got her a towel while she called a tow truck. She told me she and her sorority sisters would all like to express their gratitude. Never one to miss an opportunity, I had her call them. There were eight of them, and we spent all night looking for my cat.”

“Get out of my office.”

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Ted: Testimony

"The Subject broke into the wardroom at 23:07. Midshipman Abrahms blocked the Subject's progress and he tried to kosh her. The silver had no effect, as she isn't were, so she broke Subject's neck and instinctively drained him before he expired. This was her first kill, she was alone: the bloodlust was not contained. She went feral and killed six others before being subdued by members of her rook."

"Now they claim debt against the subject's Hold for wilding her?"

"Correct. She wouldn't have gone feral had she been with her rook."

"Subject's Hold to forfeit all titles and land immediately."

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Jim: We're Off To Get Refinanced

Dawson fixed the loan officer with a keen stare overflowing with sincerity. “I needed a loan repayment extension because of the drought.”

“The drought…”

“A terrible, awful drought. Half the farms around here foreclosed.”

“Yes, I know. It looks like we gave you three months for that. What about the second extension?”

“Oh. That was for the tornado.”

“Tornado?”

“A horrible tornado. Wiped out most of the farms remaining after the drought.”

“I see we then gave you another three months. So why do you need a third extension?”

Dawson leaned forward and whispered, “Those damn flying monkeys, of course.”

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Stacy: Young Love

“Jenkins, explain yourself!”

“Sir, it’s not what it looks like…”

“Well, that’s good, Jenkins because it looks like…”

“Sir! Please let me explain!”

“I believe I already suggested that course of action, Jenkins.”

“It began with this girl… and 9000 jelly beans.”

“Jenkins…”

“Sir, it’s not what you think! I was on my knees and she had this straw…”

“I swear, if you say one more word…”

“But sir, you told me to explain myself!”

“Jenkins, I only wanted to know why you forgot my caramel latte on your way into work this morning.”

“Well, sir, there was this girl…”

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