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September 15, 2005

Volume 6, Issue 15

An advertising executive is asked to pitch a campaign for a new unpalatable breakfast cereal. Write the pitch.

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D: Breakfast of Cultists

Fade up.

To the opening chords of Also Sprach Zarathustra we see it in silhouette; the box.

As the music raises to crescendo, James Earl Jones... no wait, Don LaFontaine, "The Voice", says;

"In a world where all breakfast cereals are the same, can you trust your parents? Tired of all that sugar in your diet leaving you erratic and confused? When its crunch time in the kitchen and you need satisfaction fast there's only one choice.

Liver and onions flakes.”

Then we pull back to reveal the crispy red flakes and curly onions in a bowl, drenched in milk.

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Stacy: Flameout

Ingredients...sugar, anise, lard...millet? What the fuck is millet? Who puts lard in a frigging breakfast cereal? Anise is fucking poison, isn't it? Christ, these R&D boys are trying to get me fired, that's what it is. They're still pissed over that whole Exploding Cheese thing, I know it.

Alright, goddammit, concentrate, you can do this.

"It's a flavorful mix of the best things in nature, good tasting and good for you!"

Christ, that sucks. What the fuck am I doing? No one would buy this shit without actual hundred dollar bills included in the box. Screw this shit, I quit.

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Ted: Ahhhh, mush

"Ok, boss, this is a classic kids cereal push, right? So, the cereal is a little odd, but the word 'cereal' has some kind of greeky mythy root right? So here we go...Ceres!"

"Try the new Elysian Fields cereal. It's just heavenly"

The brunette held up a spoonful, brought it to her mouth, and threw the spoon down. "I'm sorry Fred..." as she fled the office.

"So boss, this is like, the third Ceres I've tried today. You can't pay them to eat it.

"I guess ground up gladiator livers was a bad idea. I do like the toga though."

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Michele: And The Bacon Never Gets Soggy!

“BLT cereal?
“Yes, sir.”
“You had two months to come up with something and you give me a BLT cereal?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Bacon, lettuce, tomato, right?
“Right, see...” The young ad exec whipped out the poster board and props that gave weight to his speech on demographics and food preferences and laziness.
“...so the college kids, the ones with the disposable incomes, they don’t eat breakfast, but they like an early lunch. So you’ve got the ease and portability of breakfast cereal, but it’s got lunch foods in it.”
“Ham and swiss?”
“Got a name?”
“Captain Lunch!”
“Of course.”

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