The Perils of Penny Archives
October 13, 2006
Ted: Bad Penny
I saw Penny coming, towards MY flat. So I ran like hell the other way.
It didn't help.
I tripped over Steve's legs, which had re-grown and put him right out of the begging business.
I lurched into the chip shop, causing Ugly Sue to drop her rutabagas. Uglier Sue slipped on them, sent her sausage flying into the hot oil, which exploded and set the shop ablaze.
The fire brigade arrived and struck oil when they tapped the hydrant, setting the whole block ablaze except for my walk-up, where Penny waited to greet me. Again. Happy Friday.
October 27, 2006
Ted: Penny's Plight
Her old man had finally summoned something too big, or pissed off another wizard enough, or whatever. Great.
See, before, well, you know... we kinda had a thing going. It lasted longer than most of my other relationships, which is to say longer than a weekend. It was closer to two years before she made her big quantum leap. I would have stayed with her after that, but her probability field intersected my bad luck streak rather explosively one night while...nevermind. When I woke up in the hospital, all she left was a note.
"Stay away. For your own safety."
November 1, 2006
Ted: Penny and the Bones
"You found what?"
We were sitting in the tea room back at Penny's house, a room I hadn't been invitited into since I had known her. Her father didn't hate me so much as never noticed me, never invited me. He seemed to never see me and ignored even the most formal of pleasantries. I wasn't sure if he was an asshole by default, or just to me.
However, with him missing, Penny was Prima. So we sat, drank tea, and discussed the case.
"I found some bones, not human, in Daddy's workshop. We can ask them what they saw."
December 7, 2006
Ted: Getting Penny's Answer
The bones were old, and weird. The skull was that of a large cat. The spine was a full twelve feet long, with no arms or legs attached.
"How are these supposed to help us find your dad?" I asked Penny.
"Dad says that they react with, well, you know. Guy stuff."
The realization of what she said crept over me like a cold winter's fog. "You mean...?"
"Hey, wizards are sexual people too. Besides, I'll help."
"Penny, honey, if you're trying to get me back..." my resolve fading as soon as her tunic hit the stone floor. Aw, hell.
January 18, 2007
Ted: Found Penny
So, we did it right there and it was just as great as I remembered. Her skin was burnished copper but as hot as the smelter. Her hair was molten gold. Her breasts were like finest silk, with bright perfect ruby nipples.
We lay beside the bones, rhythm like a well lubricated press: each rocking motion like a precious silver coin.
Her diamond bright eyes shone in the torchlight as she pistoned on top of me, their sapphire blue boring into my soul..again.
Her orgasm built like the pressure from an oil well, and dragged me with it.
January 19, 2007
Ted: Penny Arcade
As she rolled off me, the bones started to shake. The damn things went and ruined my afterglow.
I dived for my trousers.
"Bones! I command your service!" she said, with the sound of magic in her voice. I used to hate it when she did that, not anymore. Got used to it I guess.
"You are not my master. That means you are food." replied the huge skeleton.
I didn't bother waiting to see what would happen next. I just grabbed Penny, tossed her over my shoulder, and ran for the stairs.
Midnight in a wizards basement. What fun.
January 22, 2007
Ted: In for a Penny...
I have always hated it when hero becomes victim through an unnecessary need to find motivations. I figure everyone is motivated by the same things: money, sex, and food. Not always in that order. So when a giant skeleton says it thinks I'm food, I take it at its word.
Tossing a naked Penny over my shoulder should qualify me for sainthood. Not for the rescue, but for not being distracted by the view. It would have been impossible to remember that we were about to be hunted except for the sound of bones scraping together.
'Course, I'm not Catholic.
January 23, 2007
Ted: In for a Pound
I was two steps away from the door when Skinny appeared in front of me. Penny smacked my ass, screaming for me to stop.
"I really wish you'd stop that," I muttered under my breath.
Penny became dead weight on my shoulder.
"Thank you, master," hissed the bones, reaching for her.
"Stop!" I hollered, stepping back.
The damn thing stopped.
"One wish left, master. I'd love to eat her, but since you say no, I won't, even if you wish her back to consciousness. I never liked her, but surely you didn't lay claim to me just to silence her?"
February 21, 2007
Ted: Penny for Your Thoughts
So there I was, a living skeletal monster offering me a wish. I knew how this wish game worked: you give an order or say the word ‘wish’ and the thing does it, but there is usually a price when it is done. Or had I paid the price already with the sex?
Never mess with magic if you don't know the rules.
So I had to come up with a wish that would take care of Penny, put the bones back to sleep, and, if possible, get her Dad back.
“Send me back three days.”
Penny stayed behind.
March 2, 2007
Ted: Miserable Catch-Penny lives
It wasn't a total loss that she had gotten left behind. Maybe I could actually get some things done without her infernal probabilities mucking things up, or destroying the street where I lived.
So I says to the guy, the Watchman on the corner, to keep an eye out for Penny. He knew exactly who I meant; we go back a long way. He blanched at the mention of her name.
"Listen, Steele, keep me out of that. Duty down here is bad enough."
"Dunn, what if I tell you that you could be a hero? Get a better post?"
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