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April 6, 2009

Monday

Show me what it's like / To be the last one standing... -- "Savin' Me" by Nickelback

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Nickelback's Biggest Fans

Pink shirts. Popped collars. Faux hawks. Chad, Rick, and Other Chad looked like page 63 of the Abercrombie catalog strutting through the door. Other Chad surveyed the room over the top of his Revos.

Sidling to the bar, Rick barked, "Three Johnny Walker Blues."

The bartender opened his mouth, then reconsidered. He poured three from the bottom shelf. "That'll be ninety."

Rick floated a hundy to the bar. "Keep it."

Hours later, his brahs collapsed in pools of their own vomit, Other Chad swayed to Nickelback, one hand on the jukebox for balance. The bartender wiped down and muttered, "Douchebags."

Posted by: R.A. Porter at April 6, 2009 1:47 AM · Permalink

Danko stood upon a cliff overlooking the ruins of New York City. "So, explain what happened again," he said.

"It's really quite simple," sighed Death, twirling his sickle like a baton. "There was a worldwide outbreak of Crichton's Disease, of which death is immediate and for which there is no known cure. Ninety-nine point nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine percent of humanity perished."

"Except me?" Danko asked.

"Except you."

"I don't understand. Why was I spared?"

"Who knows?" replied Death. "I just collect the bodies."

They stood there in awkward silence.

"Would you to listen to some Nickelback?" asked Danko.

"Piss off," Death replied.

Posted by: Chamomiles Davis at April 6, 2009 10:40 AM · Permalink

I lost both of my brothers in the tobacco wars, one with emphysema and the other with cancer.

My sister partied herself to death. I always say she didn't actually die, just burned herself out.

Both parents are gone, of course, and so are all of my closest friends.

But I did all the right things: finished college, settled down, raised a family and did most everything in moderation.

Now the wife has left me, the kids never make contact and the only people who seek me out are frantic widows and divorcees.

Sure glad I saved myself for this.

Posted by: Owl Creek Observer at April 6, 2009 11:23 AM · Permalink