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March 24, 2009

Tuesday

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

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Jim: The Lowest Form of Serial Romance

Of all the beaches on all the Thousand Islands, this one was Giovanni’s favorite because this is where he'd met Daphne. He remembered her on that warm summer day so long ago, her French braid glistening with seawater while she joked about his formerly thick Italian accent. “Eets-a wonderful-a here,” she’d mocked playfully. “Thees-a would be a good-a place to build-a a House.”

Giovanni now had it all. Well, almost all. He owned the beach and the magnificent house he’d had built for the two of them. “If only I still had Daphne”, he sighed.

Meanwhile, back at the Ranch…

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Ted: Running Bear

For those of you who live in Virginia, you will have heard of the famous White Tail Park. Little known story, possibly not true:

They were originally going to call the place White Tail Ranch. Had all the signs made up, got incorporated, etc. But on Opening Day though, this American Indian showed up with a rifle.

"Yeah, Ah'm here to get me a whitetail since this is Opening Day and all."

The managers, a nudist couple, tried to explain that this wasn't a ranch for deer hunting, but for sunbathing.

"Aw, damn. My name is Running Bear, not Bare!"

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LJ: Salad Days

A salad bar is a great people-watching spot.

For instance, at the bleu cheese dressing, we have a large man deceiving himself into thinking his chef's salad piled high with eggs, ham, beef, and two kinds of cheese is a healthy thing. It's a salad, right?

Move forward to the honey mustard and you'll find a single mom contemplating her future as she passes by the light Italian. There it can be seen: the long-awaited acceptance that she's gone from a hot young thing to someone's mom, and can sacrifice shape for energy and taste.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

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Jeff R.: Technically...

"Meanwhile, back at the ranch...how is grandmother doing?"

"Strictly speaking, the theory of relativity precludes the concept of simultaneity between two distinct frames of reference. So 'meanwhile' is a meaningless term, isn't it?"

I blinked. Then I counted to ten, slowly. Finally, I spoke.

"Alva...tell me you haven't been accelerating your grandmother's ranch to significant fractions of the speed of light again."

"Okay, I haven't."

I relaxed, but only for a second.

"All right. Now tell me you haven't been accelerating the rest of the universe apart from your grandmother's ranch to relativistic speeds."

He just stood there, looking sheepish.

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Stacy: In the Character Lounge

“What’s she doing,” asked Patience.

“Procrastinating,” answered the Jack impatiently.

Uzi shushed him.

“Quiet, you. In such a hurry to return to the scene of the crime, are you?”

The Jack glared, Uzi glared back.

Cori snorted, most unladylike.

“You all complain, but every last one of you is kind of in a tight spot right now. Just enjoy the calm while it lasts.”

A chorus of jeers greeted this suggestion.

Comnard Vertnor beeped irritably, tentacles curling.

“You Hu-mans, so noisy! I should eliminate you all.”

Vertnor turned puce as Patience drew her pistol, cocked it meaningfully.

“Patience,” she said.

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