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March 29, 2007

3.29.07

But why is all the rum gone?

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Jim: This Guy Walks Into A Bar

Welcome, friend! What do we have?
I don’t know where to begin.
Here are fifty brands of whiskey,
And fifteen labels of gin.

We have vodkas, tequilas, and brandys,
And sweet liqueurs by the score.
Bourbons, and ryes, and cognacs,
Plus we have so much more.

There’s beer on tap and in bottles;
Lagers, stouts, porters, and ale.
Our wine cellars are so deep and full,
They reach down to the roofs of Hell.

But don’t ask for any rum drinks
Like a Zombie, cool and tall.
I’m afraid we’re completely out of rum.
Those goddamn pirates drank it all.

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Dave: Lead Us Not into Temptation

Nearly nobody noticed at first. When all the potable ethanol in the world was transformed into an innocuous, non-intoxicating liquid, as midnight rolled across the planet, the only folks who would have noticed were already drunk.

It wasn’t until the next day that the news got out, followed by claims of government conspiracies, aliens, angelic intervention, demonic intervention, global warming, and a host of other frantic explanations.

Within a few weeks, though, concerns had mellowed. Folks realized that loss of booze was, in fact, a good thing.

Now, when all the genitalia disappeared – that’s when the terrestrial mood got ugly.

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David: Cabin Fever

“It’s months since we’ve made port, Cap’n,” the first mate reminded him. “Between the fleets of the British, Spanish, and Dutch all hunting us, and your black spot keeping us out of the free ports, the men haven’t felt sand under their feet in too long.”

“Yar. How be our supplies?”

“We’re surviving on fish. The grain’s gone. The fruit’s gone or rotten. The rum’s run dry. I smell mutiny, Cap’n. The men are thinking of eating your monkey.”

“Yar. Announce an extra rum ration for everyone.”

“But there’s no rum.”

“Yar. The extra ration’ll take their minds off that.”

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Michele: It's Not My Fault He Couldn't Hold His Liquor!

"Kristin, where'd my rum go?"
"Ok, you're not going to believe this. I was just sitting here and these aliens came in the window and told me if I don't help their injured friend they're gonna destroy humanity, and I remembered how when mom drinks rum it makes her like fall sleep and stuff, so I made the friend drink it and HE DIED! They took his body to this ship and said they'd would be back to destroy us all!!"

"That's quite a lie, young woman...."

Before he could say another word, darkness engulfed the planet.

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Ted: Somewhere Off the Barbary Coast...

Captain Hull looked around him at the wounded. The pitched battle was over and the Americans had won by sheer luck. The Tripolitian ship had closed upon his vessel in the dark of night, an revolutionary tactic by these cursed barbarians. Hull would have had the seaman on watch flogged if he wasn't already dead.

Close in fighting with the Moors had been a nightmare.

Rallying his gun crews, they fired off a dozen cannon into the blaggart's starboard side.

Ricochets blasted his own hull, straight into the rum stores. The resulting fireball destroyed the pirates vessel. But the cost...

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Jeff R.: And of Course, Nobody Ate Any

It took a long time for anyone to notice. There's lots of people who make up jar after jar of preserves yearly and never look at them again, so those weren't noticed early. You may have heard about nut shortages, but those always passed quickly.

They didn't even put a dent in barley supplies.

It was only when they gathered the rum that anyone was aware something was afoot. By then it was too late.

Some people will do anything to get into the world records book. And that's why there's a fruitcake the size of Sheboygan out in Denver.

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