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March 20, 2007


Tell us about a medical procedure.

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Dave: A Simple Procedure

“Now hold very still, Mr. Donne. This won’t hurt at all.”

“Good to know. You’re gonna use ether or something?”

“No. It’s just that, when I am done, you will feel no pain whatsoever.”

Roger paused. The ropes had been given a bit of juice and held him tightly. “Maybe I should struggle a bit anyway.”

“If you do, I’ll have to rescind my promise about it not hurting.”

“Feeling no pain, no matter how you slice it, is gonna hurt.”

“Not if you’re ordered not to worry about it.”

A snort. “I don’t take well to orders.”

“You will.”

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Jim: The Art Of Medicine

A wash of young faces over pressed, white jackets stared down from the surgery’s darkened viewing gallery. A bevy of blue-clad nurses darted around the surgery, tending to the supine patient and the host of beeping machines.

Scalpel in hand, the surgeon paused to look up at his students and said, “This procedure may be used as a last resort only when more conventional means have failed.”

He carefully sliced along the arm’s ulnar artery and blood pooled in a brass bowl. “Today, we will let out about three pints,” the surgeon continued. “This should eliminate the patient’s evil humors.”

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Tanya: Untitled

“I know Dr Diggs told you that the earlier transplant was the only possibility,” the doctor told his new patient. “However, we no longer believe that your artificial heart is the best option.”

Nick stared at him, amazed.

“Transplanting a real heart will be much healthier for you. It won’t grow back your missing extremities, obviously. But grafting donor limbs later will be easier with the improved bloodflow.”

The patient rubbed his cold, damaged arms – the scars of a long-ago curse.

“Let’s do it, Doc. And if my surgery is successful, you can try it on Emperor Scarecrow’s brain, next.”

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David: Two-A-Days

Insert lancet into mechanism. Insert test strip into meter. Cock mechanism. Place against finger. Fire.

Damn it! That still stings.

Squeeze out blood drop. Touch test strip to blood. One side only! Beep! Put down meter. Remove lancet and discard. Beep!

Holy crap! What the hell did I eat? Add five units.

What am I going to eat? The usual.

Record results. Remove test strip and discard.

Wipe top of insulin pen with alcohol swab. Attach needle. Search torso for injection site. God, don’t let it hurt.

Prick! God fucking damn it! Re-prick! Ah. Better.


Eat before I die.

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Jeff R.: Tiresais' Legion

By 2030 doctors could grow cloned limbs and body parts matching anyone's DNAs, and had nanosurgical techniques to seamlessly graft them on. But it wasn't until the mid '50s, when a generation had grown up with these possibilities, that they started to be used electively.

The first major fad was in 'package enhancements'; men unsatisfied with what they were born with sporting equipment of sizes and designs previously exclusive to sex toys.

The second, more lasting trend, was 'temping', whose adherents asserted that they became better lovers and better people in general by spending one year in the other gender.

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Ted: Upgrade

"Mr. Park, so good of you to see me on short notice."

Mr. Park laughed at the irony. He had been drugged, bound, and beaten. The last few hours had seemed like a year long trip to Cleveland.

"It seems that you did a less than optimum job for my client. Her eyes, Mr. Park, aren't working correctly."

"Who?" gasped Park.

"Justina," answered his captor.

"But she said she wanted to see the future. Why is she angry?"

Artificial politeness slipping away, Mr. Tabor stood and slapped Park. "She can only see five minutes forward. That doesn't meet her requirements."

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Stacy: Excerpt from the Phsyicker’s Manual on Treating Non-Specific Syckness

After approval by the credit department, install the supplicant in a biobed.

Attach the tubes for Foul Vapors, Tears of Agony and Night Sweats. Do not neglect to open the trap valves or risk ye a flogging by the Sanitation Department.

Use the laser scalpel to open the Ventral Humor and allow two pints of ichor to out. This will cleanse the supplicant of evil spirits. Disinfect and seal the wound with Instaskin.

Attach seven leeches to the supplicant’s abdomen, to prevent spirits from returning. Then remove all hair from the body using the UV razor, and summon the physicker.

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Michele: Snip, Snip

Why am I here? I can't believe I'm letting her do this to me. What am I going to tell Kiki?
"I know you wanted to have kids, babe, but the Mrs. is making me snip my balls.". That'll go over big. I'll lose my balls and the chick. I should have run away with Kiki. Far away. I'm such a wimp.

The Mrs. looks happy I'm doing this. She doesn't even fuck me. What does she care what my balls do?

Here comes the doc. No turning back now.

"Don't worry, Mrs. Johnson. Your dog will be just fine."

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