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February 22, 2007

2.22.07

Sometimes simple tools or devices are not what they seem to be...

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David: Dude Science

“It’s a cell phone.”

“It’s a time machine.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Sure it is. I modified it. Remember Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure? Same basic principle.”

“Dude, that was a movie. You could just as easily say you put a flux capacitor in your Gremlin.”

“What are you, nuts? That thing spent more time broken than it did working. Bill and Ted fixed the phone booth with bubble gum. Besides, I’d never be sure whether I was traveling though time or a mountain.

“Plus, this has an internet connection. I can download celebrity porn from the future.”

“Dude, lemme see.”

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Ted: Passing Messages

"Yes," I told the voice on the other end of the phone. "I got it last night. Nice of you to deliver it."

"Look on page 362, detective." The line went dead.

Finding 362, I saw what looked like a spearhead. A threat? Some kind of message? The advertising copy read "Unique Roman Spearhead." Nothing else.

The phone rang. Flipping it open, I answered with my usual line: "What?"

Same voice again. "Detective, what you see is the actual spear that killed Jesus. Are you fully aware of our power now?"

"Yup. Fuck you. Still don't care. Jessi was special."

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Jeff R.:Instructions for the Babysitter

The cat should be fed at five. Please stick to dry food; last weekend Alva modified the can-opener and now, while more efficient, it occasionally ejects metal discs at supersonic velocities.

Feel free to use the Coffee-maker, but check the filter. If the grounds are blue or violet, dispose of them in the yellow receptacle.

The remote control for the television is on a chain with an orange tag marked "TV". The other remotes will probably activate one or another of Alva's abandoned projects.

Do not, under any circumstances, press any of the buttons labeled in Cyrilic on the microwave.

Read more from JeffR's .

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