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January 9, 2006

January 9, 2006

What's that going out in the trash that you don't want anyone to know about?

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D: Dessous

My fiancée put her hands on my shoulders, rubbing firmly. Normally I wouldn't let her do this, for fear she’d discover my terrible secret.

"You’re tense Bill, what's wrong?" she sniffed the air "have you changed deodorant? You smell different, more... musky... you used to always smell of rose blossom..."

Beads of sweat broke out on my forehead and I bit my lower lip.

"Oh hey, Margie got me some really sexy bridal lingerie; can't wait to try it on for you."

I held my breath.

"Speaking of sexy lingerie, there was a whole bag of it in the trash..."

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Jim: Taking Out The Trash

Connie points toward the hair salon’s plate glass windows. “There goes poor Tricia Patterson,” she says.

Agnes nods. “They say her husband left her for another woman months ago.”

“I’m glad he left,” Connie replies. “You know that bastard used to beat Tricia up.”

Shock and anger wash over Agnes. “Then I hope he never comes back!” she states.

Later, at home, Tricia carefully places one small, tape-wrapped package from her freezer into the week’s garbage. Last week, it was an ear. This week, it is a two inch square piece of leg.

Tricia’s husband is almost gone for good.

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Ted: Mondays and Thursdays

The HomeOwner's Association handed me this flyer when we moved in:

"Attention:

Garbage pickup will be before dawn on Mondays and Thursdays.
Garbage cans cannot be on the curb before midnight the previous night.
Garbage cans must be off the curb by 7 a.m.
Garbage cans must be one of the three on the approved list.

Fines for non-compliance begin at fifty dollars, going up for each further infraction.

Welcome to Shalimar!"

I'm up to eight hundred and sixty dollars in unpaid fines.

I compost the Association Board officials when they come by to collect. I've only gotten more popular.

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