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October 19, 2005
Volume 7, Issue 19
Why are you so tense?
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Detective Flannery caught himself chewing the end of his pencil while reviewing his notes. “Disgusting habit,” he grunted before saying, “Let me make sure I have this straight, ma’am.”
“Okay.”
“You’d just left Starbuck’s and were driving home when two men carjacked your Suburban.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Then they hold your kids hostage while you take their hold-up note into the bank.”
“Yep.”
“And while they were splitting the cash, you grab one of their pistols and shoot both men in the head.”
“That’s right.”
“So… if you’re completely innocent, why are you so tense?”
“Too much caffeine. It makes me jittery.”
Posted by: Jim Parkinson at October 19, 2005 8:26 AM · Permalink
“I just can’t take it anymore!”
“Calm down, sis. What’s the problem?”
“You are! You and your brother. You’re always at each other’s throats. And it’s always up to me to separate you two.”
“He started it!”
“There you go again. You just can’t leave well enough alone.”
“Well, he did.”
“Look. He just went out to do a little rock-climbing. And while he’s gone, you decide to melt all the gold into a calfen idol. How did you expect him to react?”
“Fine,” Aaron sulked. “Take Moses’ side. You always do.”
“I just can’t take it anymore,” Miriam sighed.
Posted by: Jim Parkinson at October 19, 2005 10:16 AM · Permalink
Great story but I’m afraid Laurence will be disappointed. Where’s the blasphemy? Where’s the heresy? Where’s the goddamned meanness?
Posted by: kasac at October 19, 2005 10:57 AM · Permalink
You're right, of course, kasac.
But it's just so darn difficult to write good Jewish-based stories. That religion is so clouded with ritual mysticism and secret handshakes and whatnot that its hard to get decent subject matter. Not to mention that they often use a whole 'nother language.
And as I've aged, I seem to have touch with meanness for meanness' sake. It's a shame, too. Meanness used to be such good company on long road trips.
The only reason I wrote the second one is my internal obligation to not allow one of Laurence's blasphemies go unanswered by an equally pointless blasphemy of my own.
Posted by: Jim Parkinson at October 19, 2005 11:34 AM · Permalink
Guy goes into the psychiatrist’s office. He says to the man he says, “Doc, you gotta help me! I keep having the same dreams over and over. In one, I dream I’m a teepee. In the other, I’m a wigwam. I can’t stand it anymore! What does it mean?”
The doctor tells him, “That’s easy. You’re two tents.”
(not my official entry)
Posted by: David at October 19, 2005 12:30 PM · Permalink
Oh, Ted's gonna be PISSED...
Posted by: Stacy at October 19, 2005 12:32 PM · Permalink
People tell me I’m living in the past, that I can’t move forward because I keep looking back. But it isn’t true. I look to the future, maybe more than anyone. I’m very forward-thinking. Other people tell me that I am in fact too visionary, that I consider the future so much that I ignore the present.
I stopped listening long ago. What was, what is, and what will be are all just points on this grand continuum called life. Past, present, and future are almost meaningless to me now, in my enlightenment.
But other people can be so tense.
Posted by: David at October 19, 2005 12:40 PM · Permalink
You can remove my first one to give Ted a clear field of fire if you want. I just love that stupid joke.
Posted by: David at October 19, 2005 12:42 PM · Permalink
His heart thudded heavily, so heavily that capillaries burst under his skin mingling blood, sweat and tears. Why was he doing this again? Victory was assured. Millions would come to believe his message and countless others would reject it…reject him. Atrocities would be committed in his name along with unbelievably benevolent acts of kindness and self-sacrifice. His eleven intimates would desert him at the sound of the approaching soldiers. That is what bothered him the most, going through this completely alone…forsaken by friends and family, yes even by his father.
“Why could you not stay awake for even one hour?”
Posted by: Eric at October 19, 2005 4:01 PM · Permalink
“Fear not, I have overcome the world…”
The words echoed in Sabrina’s head as if she had heard them in person. That must mean something, right? Was it the memory of a sermon at church or a timely nudge from the Holy Spirit? No matter, the door was in front of her now. Three already jumped before her. Three up, three down. Way down, 10,000 feet down. “This only a drill, if this had been an actual war—“
Without warning someone pushed her out of the plane. Was it the Holy Spirit or a timely nudge from her drill sergeant?
Posted by: Eric at October 19, 2005 4:11 PM · Permalink
Funny, Jim...I had two ideas for this one also before I even read the posts. I like your writing...I also like the fact that you don't have to be mean.
Posted by: Eric at October 19, 2005 4:13 PM · Permalink
Eric,
While we appreciate you taking part in the site, it is the opinion of the members of 100 Words that your insistence on writing stories on the same, unvarying theme day in and day out is thinly vieled prostelyzing, and we would prefer you stop.
We welcome you to keep contributing stories, but please refrain from taking each day's theme and turning it into a way to preach your word. There is a time and place for that and that place is not here.
Thank you.
Posted by: michele at October 19, 2005 4:35 PM · Permalink
*Is this when we pile on?*
Yeah, Eric.
Anyway, it's much more fun to ridicule other's beliefs than to promote your own (see Main page).
And before Michele sends me a somber warning, I want to point out that I might have been referring to the Hulk story (which deserves a lot more than three stinking points because, gosh, it's about the Hulk).
Posted by: Jim Parkinson at October 19, 2005 4:47 PM · Permalink
And if someone is spending every day using the site to ridicule other religions, that writer has probably received a similar warning.
Posted by: michele at October 19, 2005 4:54 PM · Permalink
>>And if someone is spending every day using the site to ridicule other religions, that writer has probably received a similar warning.
Really? I haven't seen it. I've seen others join in the fray. It sounds like censorship to me. I've not told anybody to go to hell or that they are going there. I've not even put out an altar call for crying out loud. This started from a comment that I posted about someone else's work and then Ted, Laurence, and Jim got the ball rolling and tried to make it some sort of unHoly War. If one insists on preaching lies under the thinly guised veil of a short story/dialogue, a voice isn't allowed to make rebuttal on the back page? What's wrong with this picture?I appreciate the way you addressed the subject and somehow I'm assuming you do represent the desire of those who sponsor, run and/or maintain it. I mean, this is your toy, you can decide who does and who doesn't get to play with it. And I would like to keep playing with it. To that end I will honor your request whether or not Laurence or anyone else does. Even Jesus submitted to the Romans even unto death.
Posted by: Eric at October 19, 2005 5:45 PM · Permalink
Really? I haven't seen it.
Any dealings with the contributors of the site are done through our daily correspondence.
It's not about the subject, per se, Eric. It's that your subject never varies. This site is about fiction and finding different ways to tell a short story each day, staying within the confines of a theme - not about stretching theme to stay within the confines of any agenda anyone may have.
Posted by: michele at October 19, 2005 5:56 PM · Permalink
Hey, kasac, here's another wikipedia entry for you...
"It sounds like censorship to me."
Eric, Michele is telling it like it is. Twisting each day's theme to laud your god is getting very tiresome. Either write fiction, or don't bother to write here at all.
Posted by: Stacy at October 19, 2005 6:03 PM · Permalink
>>We welcome you to keep contributing stories, but please refrain from taking each day's theme and turning it into a way to preach your word.
I will honor your request.
Posted by: Eric at October 19, 2005 6:32 PM · Permalink
I deeply apologize for my participation in the aforementioned unHoly War. I have ordered my demonic minions to cease and desist all warlike activities immediately, including (but not limited to) bickering, name-calling, and the sticking out of tongues.
But, to be fair, it's not like my demonic minions had anything else to do anyway. The laundry was done, the leaves were raked... You get the idea. Have you ever had to sit around the house with bored demonic minions? It's no picnic, let me assure you.
Posted by: Jim Parkinson at October 19, 2005 7:52 PM · Permalink
Yeah, well for my part, I'm still trying to figure out how much of it was spiritual fervor and how much was blatant one-upmanship (pride). For the latter I apologize to all.
Posted by: Eric at October 19, 2005 7:59 PM · Permalink
>>Have you ever had to sit around the house with bored demonic minions?
I find a wide selection of board games to be invaluable in such situations.
Posted by: Stacy at October 19, 2005 8:07 PM · Permalink
Is it safe yet?
Posted by: hnumpah at October 19, 2005 8:11 PM · Permalink
>>Have you ever had to sit around the house with bored demonic minions?
>>I find a wide selection of board games to be invaluable in such situations.
To paraphrase the inimical Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes:
How many boards would minions hoard,
If the minion hordes got bored?
And, hnumpah, we TOLD you to play outside until we let you know you can come in! Just kidding. I think you're relatively safe from splattering blood and nasty innuendos now.
Posted by: Jim Parkinson at October 19, 2005 8:36 PM · Permalink
And no, I don't think an innuendo is an Italian suppository.
Mmmmmm. Lasagna.
Posted by: Jim Parkinson at October 19, 2005 8:39 PM · Permalink
Actually, I have other sites I can go to if I'm in the mood for contention. I come here to get away from it, to read what others have to offer on the subject of the day, and occasionally to add my own piece. I don't care if one person wants to make his posts religious, or if another wants to do religious parody, any more than I would if they posted about politics. However, it seems even in a forum like this, those subjects lead to a tit-for-tat that quickly wears thin.
There, 100 words on why I'm tense.
Posted by: hnumpah at October 19, 2005 8:47 PM · Permalink
Bravo hnumpah. You got me at the end.
Posted by: D at October 20, 2005 1:29 AM · Permalink
It wasn't meant to be a 'gotcha'. Just turned out that, by the time I said what I wanted to say, I had almost 100 words.
Posted by: hnumpah at October 20, 2005 8:02 AM · Permalink
I didn't realize I was in some sort of one-upsmanship with Jim. Amazing, the things I go off and do without telling myself.
Look, I had decided Sunday that this would be my Jesus Week, like Andy (WWR) and I used to goad each other with challenges of Jesus Themes.
The reason why I use characters like Jesus or Thor or Abraham Lincoln a lot is because they're firmly established characters or personas. Saves a lot of time setting them up. Also saves a lot of words.
From there, I can twist the original into something funny. Or scary. Or evil.
Will I still write stories like that? Probably. But I'll likely reserve them for my own stories archive/podcast and post less controversial or "mean" or vicious stories here when I don't cop out with a Les. (And even then, I still try to have some malicious fun with Les in 100 words)
So, so long, Messiah. Hello, Duckies. Hello, Bunnies. Hello, Puppies. Hello, Kitties.
Better keep the spare insulin chilled and ready. ;)
Posted by: Laurence Simon at October 20, 2005 9:30 AM · Permalink
Laurence, both you and Eric mentioned one-upmanship like it's a bad thing. For some reason, I always assumed that the same genetic defect that predisposes a person to write fiction also supplies two other qualities: a bloated ego and a competitive drive.
Then again, all I know about DNA is that the only way you can tell a boy chromosome from a girl chromosome is by looking down their genes.
Posted by: Jim Parkinson at October 20, 2005 2:56 PM · Permalink
So, the predisposition to write fiction is a defect and the bloated ego and competitive drive are qualities...I see. This from a guy who looks down the genes of boys and girls. Just razzing you.
Posted by: Eric at October 20, 2005 10:25 PM · Permalink