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September 28, 2005

Volume 6, Issue 28

Your critically-acclaimed first novel has been snapped up by Paramount to be turned into a movie by Joel Schumacher.

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Comments

In a steel box sits the evidence. It's my grandfather's book. A nothing-at-all kind of adventrure book.

He gave me other things, but this is the last I have hung onto. Now I have to get rid of it before--

The phone is ringing. Every time it's just someone congratulating me. Great. Thanks. Whatever.

I unlock the box and withdraw the book. The television plays the commercial again. Bruce Willis in a Joel Schumacher film with the same title as this old book.

The answering machine. My mom says she's so proud that I'm a screenwriter now.

I'm so screwed.

Posted by: bgfay at September 28, 2005 4:44 AM · Permalink

Over the telephone, my agent’s New York accent sounds even harsher.

“First, the good news,” he rasps. He sold the film rights and my check is in the mail. Less his cut, of course.

“That’s wonderful,” I reply. “I’ll start writing the screenplay immediately.”

“Don’t bother. They’re having their own people do that.”

“But I’ve seen his movies. He’ll butcher the hell out of my work! How do I stop this?”

“You don’t,” he answered. That was the bad news.

Like an adorable daughter, a man’s first book is loved and cherished. And now it was sold to a pimp.

Posted by: Jim Parkinson at September 28, 2005 8:54 AM · Permalink

I'm getting a subtle hint that people aren't that fond of Joel Schumacher's abilities as a director.

There are people who only go to the movies to see the pretty colors, you know. People for whom "plot" is that annoying stuff between explosions, "theme" is the music that plays at the beginning, and "selling out" is when all the tickets are gone.

If not for Schumacher, who would make movies for these morons? Akiva Goldsman? Roland Emmerich? Alan Smithee?

Posted by: David at September 28, 2005 11:31 AM · Permalink

Yes.

Posted by: Stacy at September 28, 2005 4:46 PM · Permalink

Doesn't the director get to choose what he directs? Maybe they don't like his taste. I'm not familiar enough with his work to have fun with this theme. Roland Emmerich, Barry Levinson, John Hughes, Oliver Stone--I think those would be better choices--heck, even that guy that did Clockwork Orange....Kubrick...now that could be fun.

Posted by: Eric at September 28, 2005 5:57 PM · Permalink

Eric:
Think 'St. Elmo's Fire'.
'Nuff said.

Posted by: Jim Parkinson at September 28, 2005 6:02 PM · Permalink

And here I thought that was a John Hughes film because it had all the brat pack favorites in it.

Posted by: Eric at September 28, 2005 8:45 PM · Permalink

The topic was to take a critically acclaimed book ie: good source material and put it in the hands of one of the trashy colorful explosion merchants. My second choice would have been Bruckheimer.

Don't get me wrong though, I've enjoyed many a Bruckheimer and maybe one Schumacher movie... maybe... once. Oliver Stone and Kubrick have already taken good works of fiction and turned them into fantastic movies. Think 2001 and JFK.

Posted by: D at September 29, 2005 1:20 AM · Permalink

I didn't have a chance to write a story on this theme but if I did, I would have called it "A Piece of Schumacher," which is how this household refers to all his movies.

Posted by: michele at September 29, 2005 2:37 AM · Permalink

I thought you were supposed to write something about Les Nessman. Yes, I'm sure I read that somewhere...

Posted by: D at September 29, 2005 3:03 AM · Permalink

"Congradulations! We sold the movie rights to your book for two million dollars."

"Wow. Fantastic." I though how I could spend that money. After I paid all the bills of course. Critical acclaim does not necessarily translate to monetary success, especially after all those novels that were summarily rejected.

"So, do they know who's going to direct it?" I asked. I hoped it would be Scorcese.

"Two million, my friend. Two. Million. Dollars."

I began to get suspicous. "Who is it?"

"Schumacher."

"Who?"

"He did 'St. Elmo's Fire,' and 'Falling Down.'"

"Huh. Do I have to promote it?"

"No."

"Good."

Posted by: cranky-d at September 30, 2005 12:10 AM · Permalink