« Ted: Two Crowns | Main | Ted: The New Gods, Part Six »

August 3, 2005

Volume 5, Issue 3

Today's theme is "first day of school".

Bookmark: del.icio.us • Digg • reddit

Comments

This school year, you really are going to kill Billy Nelson. You say that at the start of every semester, but this time you really mean it. You can't handle another year of sniveling, sucking up, and snottiness.

Here's how you're going to do it: when Billy leaves homeroom today, after fidgeting through Mrs. Plotter's lesson, he'll run straight to the bathroom. Follow him--not too close, but before anyone else can get in, and lock the door behind you.

Be sure to wash your hands after you've shivved him with your geometry compass. Those private school uniforms stain something awful.

Posted by: Thomas at August 3, 2005 8:04 AM · Permalink

The first day of school was always the trickiest. It was harder to tell the fresh ones from the live ones.

Buddy up with a live one, and class would be a breeze. Buddy up with a fresh one, though, and you’re likely to end up fresh yourself.

Some kids had taken to waiting a week or so before showing up for class. By then, some of the rot beneath the freshness was beginning to show. Although with enough makeup and scents, a smart freshie could pass for close to a month.

Johnnie steeled his nerves and chose a desk.

Posted by: copygodd at August 3, 2005 10:29 AM · Permalink

In retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to rebuild Kingston Elementary.

The first sign that something was amiss was the opening bell, sounding alternatively like a bloodcurdling shriek and a mournful gong. Things went downhill from there.

The principal, after making the first day's announcements over the intercom, confessed first to embezzelment and then to impure thoughts about his mother. During lunch, all the milk in the cafeteria turned to blood. Gangs of feral students flayed the hall monitors and tied them to the bathroom doors.

At day's end, the fatality rate was 30%. Then the skeletal bus-drivers appeared

Posted by: Jeff R. at August 3, 2005 12:01 PM · Permalink

Charlie Jones needed a couple of months to adjust to the shiny linoleum and clean restrooms. There was no chalk on blackboards, and the locker rooms didn’t smell like chimpanzee’s jock strap. There were full rolls in the stalls and the water fountains all worked. He had scraped the chewing gum from 200 desks. By the end of summer, Charlie was bored silly.

Which is why Charlie, even as he sprinkled sawdust and deodorant all over Mrs. Annunziato’s desk where fat little Norberto had blown multicolored chunks only moments before, was happy that it was the first day of school.

Posted by: TigerHawk at August 3, 2005 4:46 PM · Permalink

Mom drove me to school and pulled up outside the main building.

"You have everything?"

"Yes, mom."

"Remember, I'll be right outside when classes are over."

"Okay."

Then I heard Mom holler, "Baby, you forgot your schedule!"

I left my class schedule in the car. She hopped out and ran the paper to me.

"Here you go." She planted a big wet kiss on my forehead. "Go get 'em, tiger!"

As I went inside, I wondered how many of my fellow classmates got kissed by their mothers on their first day of school at MIT.

Posted by: Spiny Norman at August 3, 2005 8:07 PM · Permalink

Do you remember when you were little and actually wanted to go to a new school the first day, to see what was there? We didn't realize what we were getting into sometimes. Go once without protest and that makes it all the easier for your parents to force you to go all the other days when you don't want to go, thinking that they're getting you to do something that you really want, only you're young enough that you forget what you want and need to be reminded by being there again. It works the same with black masses.

Posted by: Sonny at August 3, 2005 8:36 PM · Permalink

You really don't look forward to the first day of school unless you didn't have much of a summer, which, for most teenagers, was the case. They get bored of the old sleeping in until 12 then just stay up and watch TV routine after the first few weeks, so school gives more social interaction than summer.

Then several lucky students don't succeed just one class the last year, and have to go back to school again after just one week of 'summer,' to what these sadistic officials referr to as summer school.

And I somehow managed to fail PE.

Posted by: Kelli at August 3, 2005 10:17 PM · Permalink

The buzzing of his alarm roused Joe to semi-consciousness. He went to hit the snooze button again. Better judgment prevailed. An attempt to sit up ended with a sudden thud onto the floor. His head throbbed in painful reminder as to the previous night’s beginning quarter festivities. After taking a quick inventory of himself Joe shoved some notebooks and a couple of textbooks into his backpack without being quite sure what they were. However, a simple check of his textbooks would’ve kept things from becoming quite so interesting for Joe in the unexpected days he was going to be away…

Posted by: Dirk at August 4, 2005 12:07 AM · Permalink