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July 15, 2005

Volume 3, Issue 15

Today's theme courtesy the first thing to turn up on my iTunes today:

Running through the mini-mall in my underwear.

Explain that scenario, kids. Have fun.

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"This is absurd," Jericho huffed. The aliens had given pursuit since the initial probe. Because he didn't speak alienese, he wasn't sure, but it seemed like all they wanted was to get freaky with a human.

"It's not going to be me," said Jericho. Sure, he had accidentally made romantic overtures when he first attempted contact. Sure, he had let the alien queen telekinetically undress him with her eyes. And after that, she took off her clothes, and he realized that aliens are hermaphrodites, and things got weird.

He sprinted towards the mini-mall's laundromat, determined to face his pursuers clothed.

Posted by: G-Do at July 15, 2005 6:00 AM · Permalink

OK, I've only got four minutes to impress this incredibly beautiful woman sitting across the table from me...

I quickly ask my first get-to-know-you question,

"So what do you like to do for fun?"

She looks me straight in the eye and replies,

"I like to run through shopping malls in my underwear."

Sh**.... why am I'm suddenly tingling all over...she's certainly flirtatious...I can play along with that...OK, take a deep breath...switch over to my REALLY-get-to-know-you set of questions...

Leaning in, I whisper, "So... are you wearing underwear right now?"

"Well.... this isn't a shopping mall, what do you think?"

Posted by: K. Brown at July 15, 2005 6:35 AM · Permalink

It was a quiet bar; subdued lighting and rich wood paneling. Just a nice place to stop for a drink with my buddies on the way home.

“Then it’s a bet,” I said and shook his hand. I knew it was a stupid bet but alcohol does funny things to logic. That bet was about the only thing I remember from that whole evening.

So here we are, in the food court, waiting. And here he comes, trotting through the mini-mall, his skinny arms flapping to hold up a pair of briefs half again too big for him. My underwear.

Posted by: Jim Parkinson at July 15, 2005 8:08 AM · Permalink

The radio crackled, “He’s at the pretzel place.”

I turn right in front of the shoe store and jog that way, pulling out a pair of cuffs jammed into the white, striped elastic. Sure, I feel self-conscious but I have a job to do.

In 2011, they took our guns away. Too many people being killed. How were we to know that was only the beginning? Next, batons were too dangerous, then flashlights, then our belts. All gone.

Then that one cop managed to strangle a child molester with his uniform pants.

You ever try pinning a badge onto Fruit-of-the-Looms?

Posted by: Jim Parkinson at July 15, 2005 8:21 AM · Permalink

Good deeds and you’re destined for Heaven; sin and you’re going to Hell right? That’s half right. You see, if you’re a saint you’ve got a place in Heaven, but only if the rest of the world remembers you and –believes- you’ll go there.

The rest of us nobodies just reincarnate until we do something that gets us in the papers for good or ill. But exceptions happen, sometimes you’re remembered but people can’t place you in a particular afterlife. That’s where you get ghosts.

Thanks to a botched stunt in this mini-mall I’m stuck here as “The Underwear Phantom”.

Posted by: TheMightyEmu at July 15, 2005 9:03 AM · Permalink

Okay. Take stock. The Laundromat's got glass windows. It's full of Zombies too. No help there. Barely made it out of Marshalls, can't go back there. What's left?

The liquor store'd be ideal; the guy there keeps a shotgun and three revolvers, plus there's the whole Molotov cocktail thing. Except it looks like he already had that idea, and got a bit too enthusiastic; the place just caught fire.

So that leaves the hair salon. Closed for Sunday, still locked up, good. Break through the glass, load up. Hairspray plus cigarette lighter equals flamethrower. No one's eating my brains tonight.

Posted by: Jeff R. at July 15, 2005 9:38 AM · Permalink

I exited the time portal, nude of course - you can't take anything with you, not even your clothes. That's why the operators were always supposed to drop us somewhere where we could grab some clothes once we landed, such as a clothing store, or a laundromat.

I looked around, grabbed the nearest piece of clothing I could find, and cursed myself for having had an argument with my operator before I left. The sumbitch had dropped me in a Victoria's Secret, and the skimpy crotchless panties I found left my, um, manhood hanging loose as I ran through the mall.

Posted by: hnumpah at July 15, 2005 12:06 PM · Permalink

I paused for a moment in front of a Calvin Klein Poster and struck a pose that complimented the model in the image. People stared at me as I held form in naught but my underwear.

I couldn’t help but smile inside as I knew that they were awestruck by my breathtaking appearance. I changed poses once before sprinting off to flaunt myself to the people in front of the next poster.

I am a male model that works for free. At 5’5” tall and 400lbs my physique is very impressive. Why, even the security guards have come to admire…

Posted by: Dirk at July 15, 2005 2:52 PM · Permalink

The first thing I did after they told me was start planning. It's not every day that you win a chance to go running through a mall for ten minutes and grab anything you want. I have spent literally hours in the mall since I found out planning my strategy.

When I showed up for the event ten minutes ago, I got some flack from the promoters. But there was nothing in the rules that said I have to wear clothes.

There goes the whistle, and I head for Brooks Brothers, and then the Best Buy right next to it..

Posted by: Gahrie at July 15, 2005 11:06 PM · Permalink

Check before you post!