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June 5, 2005

Volume 2, Issue 5

You either need it, or want it.

Some can't make it through the day without it.

Some even get theirs from strangers on the street.

What is your coffee story?

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Ted: Two Scoops

He thought he would nice and make the coffee this morning. How hard could it be to make coffee, right?

He could tell by the smell that it was going to be way too strong.

Shit. Of all his bonehead moves, this was going to suck the worst.

He went to the garage and started warming up the car. And waiting.

"FUCK!" came her voice from inside. "What is this shit? How fucking much coffee grounds did you use idiot? Are you so stupid you can't even make goddamn coffee!?"

He lowered the garage door and locked the car's doors.

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Michele: Frappaccino, Rappaccino, Al Pacino

Jon walked into Kofehaus expecting to feed his caffeine withdrawal.

A goateed man with an affected scowl and a badge that read Barista was helping a confused woman.

"Do you want caramel? Vanilla? Steamed milk with cinnamon?" Barista took a breath and exhaled more choices “Almondcherrytoastedpecanroastdecafsupercafgetyourbuzzoncaff?”

She blinked.

Jon poked the woman. "Do you want coffee or a three course fucking dessert?" He barked at Barista, “Black, no sugar. Make sure it’s not some free range coffee bean crap.”

Barista balked. "How uncivilized!"

Enough. Jon pulled out his gun and shot the guy right in the goatee.

"No, that’s uncivilized."

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Tanya: Redemption

We just had to go camping. It started pouring ten minutes after we got there and neither of us knew how to set up the tent, so then it was pitch dark and pouring. Sure the tent kept out the rain for the rest of the night, but it hardly mattered since the sleeping bags were soaked and so were we.

Then suddenly it's morning and the sun's out. The St Croix river is sparkling, and the cottonwoods shimmer like a million diamonds on the shore. Karen has fresh coffee and an unopened bottle of Baileys, and life is beautiful.

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From the Comments: Marc

"Here. Try this."

"I told you, I don't like coffee. It tastes like burned water."

"That's just because you haven't tried the right coffee!"

"Yeah, and let me guess. Your cat is different from the other cats. Almost like a dog."

"Just drink it."

"Ok..... Yup, tastes like burned water. Only with raspberry flavoring."

"You just don't like it because you hate me!"


"You're going to break up with me!"

"Where the fuck did this come from?"

"Then why don't you like coffee?"

It was at that moment that he realized maybe she didn't have such a bad idea.

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Stacy: Starbuck's Seduction

She leans intimately out the window, lank blonde hair stringing from her loose ponytail.

"Oh, it's good to see you again, Stacy," she trills in a voice that still sets my teeth on edge.

"You know," she continues, uninvited, "I always try to connect with the customers, but you're usually..."

"I'm not a morning person," I reply, hoping the token reply will satisfy her curiosity.

She peers into the passenger seat. "And you are?"

"I'm her husband," he says.

Her face visibly falls. "Oh," she says. "Well, your venti mochas will be right up," she chirps and closes the window.

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