Him and Her Archives
May 23, 2005
Stacy: So Married
"Have you seen this cabbage soup diet? Says you can lose 10 pounds in 7 days!"
"That'll be nice, dear," came the voice from behind the newspaper. "We’ll be able to heat our house forever on all the methane you’ll produce."
She grinned. "You know women don't fart, that's a very common misapprehension."
The newspaper vibrated slightly. "Neither do they snore, I know," came the slightly muffled reply.
“Of course we don’t,” she said calmly, cream cheesing her bagel. “We simply breathe rhythmically.
The newspaper rattled. She threw her bagel at it, scored a direct hit on the sports section.
June 23, 2005
Stacy: One Away
She stood in the sweltering afternoon sun, taking shallow breaths of the tepid air. Sweat trickled down her back, made her palms slick. The stench rising from the stagnant pond behind her was pervasive, rotting vegetation cloying at her nostrils.
She squinted at the grass, trying to see through sweat stung eyes. Her mind wandered, made leaden by the heat. Visions of cool showers, icy drinks and air conditioning pulled at her thoughts.
She gripped the club firmly and swung. The ball rolled up, down, sideways, and missed the cup by two inches.
“Sorry, babe,” he said, “that’s a bogie.”
July 24, 2005
Stacy: Conversation About Nothing
"Isn't that some sort of rope?"
"Yeah, cowboys use it, they lasso their cows with it."
"I think they call them cattle. Cows give milk, generally don't need lassoing."
"Whatever. So it's a rope, right?"
"You're thinking of 'lariat', not 'rialto'. A lariat is a rope, a rialto is a marketplace."
“So we’re going to a marketplace?”
“Yes, why not?”
“No reason, I just thought that we were going to rope cows.”
“So, we’ve flown thousands of miles here to beautiful Venice, Italy, and you thought today we’d go rope cows?”
November 7, 2006
Stacy: And They Wuz Right
“C’mon, let me see…”
“Oh, come on, how bad can it be?”
“You have no idea. Grade school, elementary school, high school, college… every single shower, every single changing room. I have been made fun of my entire life, and I just don’t think I could take it from you.”
“Look, I love you, therefore I’m pretty much a sure thing, but if you don’t take off your pants, we can’t get this show on the road. So to speak.”
“I love you, too, babe. Swear you won’t laugh?”
“As if. Now drop ‘em.”
“Jaysus, Mary and Joseph…”
December 19, 2006
Stacy: Pillow Talk
“…your body is a wonderland…”
“Christ, I hate that song. Please don’t sing while you’re doing that.”
“Doing what… this?”
“But baby, you do have porcelain skin and a bubblegum tongue.”
“Ok, that’s just gross. A bubblegum tongue? That can be stretched and twisted, and chewed on? Gross, I tell you. Besides, hair would stick to it.”
“Speaking of hair, you really have the most amazing skin. Up close, I can see all the tiny, transparent hairs that make your skin so soft to the touch… You’re like a peach, you are!”
“Shut up, would you, and bite me.”
April 22, 2009
“What’s the difference? They all look alike after midnight.”
“That so isn’t true. Also, crude.”
“Aw, c’mon baby, don’t be so sensitive.”
“Sensitive? I’ll stick my sensitive foot up your ass and we’ll see who’s all ‘sensitive’ then.”
“Whoa, come on! I was joking! It’s a time-honored guy joke, designed to illustrate the similarities between…”
“I KNOW what it means, dammit, I wasn’t born yesterday. It’s still rude.”
“Baby, you knew who I was when you married me. You know my checkered past. You also know that I love you, and only you.”
“Just pick out a damned kitten, Jack.”
August 21, 2010
She lay back and closed her eyes. She felt relaxed and tense at the same time. The first touch nearly sent her through the roof. She’d never felt anything like it… smooth and rough, warm and hot, all at the same time.
She gasped and her heart rate increased. She couldn’t seem to lie still, her muscles twitched and spasmed of their own accord. She grasped at nothing, felt as if she were floating, then crashed down hard.
She opened her eyes and found him smiling at her.
“Was that fun?” he asked.
She smiled slowly.
“Yes, dear,” she replied.