Dave Archives

July 2, 2007

Dave: Up, up and away!

The hostility between the federal government and Superman came to a head in late 2005 when the FAA began requiring the superhero to file flight plans, respect no-fly zones, and maintain tower contact at all times when aloft.  "As they say," FAA chairman Lloyd Gusward says, "He's 'a plane.'  That puts him under our jurisdiction."

Fortunately for truth, justice, and the American Way, lawyers were able to use Chairman Gusward's words against him, noting that if Superman were "a plane," he was also "a bird," and so (as the last survivor of Krypton) fell under the protection of the Endangered Species Act.

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July 3, 2007

Dave: The Walls Have Ears

"Let's take a walk, Mr. Donne."

Roger looked at the polite man in the white suit.  "You have a problem with my office?"

"I must insist."  The movement was slight, but Roger was suddenly looking at the business end of a .38.

Roger got up and stretched.  "Could use a walk."  He drained his glass, and grabbed his hat.  "Got a destination in mind, or anywhere the body won't be found for a few days?"

The polite man smiled.  "I do not intend to kill you, Mr. Donne.  Just ... talk."

"I quit marching at gunpoint back in '46.  Better be an interesting conversation." 

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July 9, 2007

Dave: Lack of Focus

It's easy to get distracted  in Faerie.  That's the whole point.  Glamours, wonders, and nothing is as it looks, because nothing could be so breathtaking, attractive, enchanting ...

That's not a problem when you're there on vacation, mind you.  Make the proper arrangements, grease the right palms, have a modestly trustworthy Power as guarantor, and wandering around Faerie is only as dangerous as visiting Cairo, or Hong Kong, or Paris, or New York.

Try to sneak in, though, or bluff your way past the Borders ... and you're half-blind, half-defeated from the get-go.

Which is why, despite my preparations, I never saw them coming.

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July 10, 2007

Dave: The Memory Eaters


She was behind him, leg sweeping, driving his head into the polished wood of the floor.  Hard.

When the star shells stopped going off in his skull, she was atop of him, fury in her eyes, a long, ceremonial dagger in her hand, and his throat. 

"What are you doing in my house?" she hissed.  "How do you know my name? Did the Jade Court send you?  Did Lin Shao send you?"

Roger thought of Lin Shao hiring him, and couldn't help but smile.  "I think you've forgotten how Lin feels about me.  I think you've forgotten a lot of stuff, Chrys."

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July 16, 2007

Dave: Use Only as Directed

"This is it, right?"

"Yup."  The guy looked around, trying to spot someone watching us.  "Listen it's the good stuff.  What do you say?"

 "I -- that sounds fine-- but how do I know it's -- for real?"

"Look, thousands of satisfied customers, just not here, okay?  Now, do you want it, or don't you?"

I looked at it.  So small and delicate, so potentially dangerous.  "Okay."

I passed my money over to him.  He handed me the product, and was gone. 

I hesitated.  I knew I should go home first, but I wanted it.  Now.

I bit into the Truth.  It was surprisingly tart.

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July 19, 2007

Dave: Devil in Her Heart

It was just yesterday.  Or the night beforeI saw her standing there at the party.  Misery welled up.  I walked over, tried to act naturally as I asked, "Do you want to know a secret?"

She looked me over, and snorted.  "Don't bother me."

"It won't be long."  I glanced around us.  "Noisy here.  There's a place --"

The girl shook her head.  "Boys," she said to another girl

"Tell me why."  I waited. "I need you."

No reply.

"I'll cry instead. I don't want to spoil the party."

"Cry, baby.  Cry."

"I want to tell you --"

"Good. Night."

And that, clearly, was the end.

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July 27, 2007

Dave: A Darkened Room

It was all darkness around me.  I fumbled about ... found something ... pulled myself up.

Voices in the distance.  I considered staying silent -- where the hell was I? -- but the oppression of the blackness was jiust too great.  "Hello?  Is anyone there?"

Silence ... then footsteps.  I heard a door open, but no light came through it.  Was this whole place dark?  "Hello?"

"Mister Waid, you're awake."

"Yes -- what time is it?  What's goiing on?"  I felt compelled to lower my voie.  "Where are we?"

"You're at St. Crispin's Hospital, Boston.  The intensive care ward."

"But -- why can't I --?" I stopped.  The answer was suddenly, blindingly obvious.



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August 1, 2007

Dave: "Strange Allies"

"What did you do in the war, Daddy?"

Roger glanced at Chrys, who was reading a large book.  He gave Dina a crooked smile.  "Well, Daddy fought werewolves once.  And a djinn in a desert cave.  And vampires in Rumania, and he personally, personally drove a silver dagger through the eye of a fallen angel that was helping the Nazis."

Dina looked at him with grave eyes, then rolled them in a fashion that only young kids could.  "Da-deee," she chided, then skipped off.

Chrys spoke from behind her book.  "The least you could do is lie to her."

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August 2, 2007

Dave: Graduation Day

"You leave here today from Phlogiston Tech, facing an uncertain but promising future.  Far from the mundanities of my era -- diet fads, CIA drug experiments, cold fusion in the kitchen sink -- you, the mad scientists of a new generation, have the opportunity for mad, mad I tell you, experiments in nanotechnology, chimeras, global obesity, and the challenges of keeping a hidden laboratory clammy in an era of global warming.

"So, as you go forth from here, I remind you all, remember: madness in the pursuit of personal apotheosis is no vice, and, rest assured that, in the end they'll all pay!"

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August 3, 2007

Dave: Informed Sources

"I was talking to Mrs. Vincent today."

"I thought you hated Mrs. Vincent.  You said she smelled like an old bag of --"

"She does.  But she knows everything that goes on around here."

"I thought you hated gossip.  You said it was like old crows sitting on the --"

"Except when it's for business.  Mrs. Vincent was talking to Mrs. Horowitz yesterday."

"She's the one you say looks like --"

"She does.  But she told Mrs. Vincent that Mr. Deodato told Tony the Grocer that there's something happening to vagrants down on Skid Row.  That they're disappearing."

"That happens."

"Yeah, but parts are being left behind."

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