Dave Archives

March 28, 2008

Dave: Difficult Subject

Graham considered his visitor a moment before speaking. "Mr. Edwards, I accepted this interview because you said you wanted to learn something about my organization, about our goals and mission. I've since learned you instead intend an 'expose' of a possible 'metahuman conspiracy.' Something far from 'fair' and 'balanced,' as your organization puts it."

He paused, slowly sipping his coffee. "Mr. Edwards, I am a projective empath. I can be your best friend. Alternately, I can throw you into such depths of despair that you dive through the window behind me to your death." Graham smiled. "Do you really want to make me your enemy?"

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April 3, 2008

Dave: Taxonomy

"Okay, I've cleaned it, slathered it with antiseptic, and confirmed your shots for rabies and conventional mouth-borne pathogens."

"But I'll be okay?"

"How the hell should I know in this city? Was the cat girl who bit you a mutant? If so, human or feline stock? Was she a were-cat?  A felinoid alien?  A cat girl-shaped robot? Do you even know?"

"She -- got away."

"So we have no real idea whether you're likely to suffer from a disease, curse, chest-burster, poison, fleas or what. Next time, bring in the perp."

"Um ... maybe you should look at these scratches, too."

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May 19, 2008

Dave: The morning after

"I'm disappointed, Tony."

"It wasn't my fault."

"You absorbed about six square blocks of electrical grid, frying pretty much all the equipment in the process. PECO's not sure when things will be back working for the area.  Which area includes St. Joseph's Hospital."

"I didn't --"

"It wasn't just a power loss; the surge as you sucked it up knocked out backup generators, too. Twenty-seven people died, Tony. People on life support. People being operated on. Another 376 suffered major injuries. All because you wanted a cheap high."

"It's not that -- I need it. It's like food, Mr. Thorne."

"And --?"

Tony's eyes welled up. "And it tastes so good --" 

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May 20, 2008

Dave: Burden of Proof

"How can we know?" Mrs. McNamera said. "These days, what with robots, clones --"

"Don't forget mind control," Mr. Jackson added.

"-- mind control, and, like, that guy who can make people see stuff that isn't there -- how can we convict? How can we be sure he did it?" The others nodded.

"The standard is a reasonable doubt," Duncan said. "How reasonable is it a mind-controlling super-villain compelled the guy to shoplift a six-pack? Or it was really a clone, an android, a doppelganger from an evil dimension, or aliens? It's a simple shoplifting."

Mrs. McNamera considered. "It could have been aliens."


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May 22, 2008

Dave: Flakes

INTERVIEWER: So tell us about this deal you've just signed with Kellogg.

ACCELERATOR: Well, whatever Amanda tells me to sign, I sign. (Laughter) No, it's a basic promotional package. Yours Truly will be appearing on cereal boxes, stuff like that. "Wheaties - The Breakfast of Heroes."

INTERVIEWER: Isn't Wheaties from General Mills?

ACCELERATOR: Oops! Sorry about that, guys. It was something flaky. Whatever it is, though, it's delicious, kids, and it will make your muscles grow strong so you can break the sound barrier, just like me.

INTERVIEWER: Are you really promising that to kids?

ACCELERATOR: Uh ... Amanda is making cutting-off gestures at me ...

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May 30, 2008

Dave: Nightly Rounds

It was late. Graham leaned against the rain-slicked alley. "You know, we do have these things in the city called cars."

Amorpha shook her head. "A car separates you from your surroundings. On foot is best. for night patrol, unless you can fly. Besides, being cold, wet and hungry will help make you angry against the criminals we fight."

"And being angry will help me bop their heads?"

"No, you need to overcome your anger."

"Wait ... I need to get angry ... so I can stop being angry?"


"That makes no sense."

"Correct. Does that make you angry, too?"

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March 9, 2009

Dave: The Paragon of Animals

They bowed their heads.

“Oh, what a work is man,” intoned Zack, closing his eyes.

“How noble in reason,” added Sara, softly.

“How infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and, um, admirable,” Thomas said. His memory was never very good for these sorts of things.

“In action, how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god,” Zack continued. Reverence breathed through his words, quiet, still.

“The beauty of the world,” Sara agreed, nodding.

“The paragon of animals.” Thomas concluded.

“Right, that’s that. Pass a bit more of him over, would you?” Zack asked. “And the mustard.”

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March 10, 2009

Dave: Richness of Embarrassments

“On your left,” the guide pointed out, “you’ll see your senior year high school prom.”

“Oh, God,” Carter said, trying not to look, failing.

“Out of fashion tux, check. Large pimple on nose, check. And, yes, those were her feet. Again.”

Carter had thought himself beyond still blushing, but was not.

“Next, the parking lot you chose for a post-prom tête-à-tête. Classy. And here we see Jennifer discussing the evening with her friends. Ah, mirth and merriment.”

Carter tore his gaze away, only to see --

“Ah. Now on our right, we have your first day at college …”

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March 11, 2009

Dave: Quite Contrary

“Gah,” Graham said, covering his face against the stench. “What --?”

“This?” asked Mary. “Oh, this is my garden.”

Around them, tall, thick-based plants wove a crazy-quilt of vines. Fetid white flowers blinked here and there, petals slowly waving in the breezeless chamber. Large pods sat at the base of several of the stems.

“I’m afraid to ask,” Graham said.

“Here’s where I grow my friends,” Mary explained. As she spoke, one of the pods split open. Something man-shaped and slimy slid to the ground, curled up in a fetal position. Its eyes opened, and it began to cry.

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March 12, 2009

Dave: If I only had a ...

“Brain!” Jay said, grinning madly.

Dominic looked up, realizing he’d been talking aloud. “No, that wasn’t it.”


Dominic pondered a moment, then shook his head. “Close, but …”


“If I only had a courage? That doesn’t even make sense. And, no more Oz, okay?”

Jay continued cutting. “Soul!”

Dominic stopped. He looked at the bodies, some tied in chairs, others lying in pools on the floor. “Huh. Yeah, maybe.” He got back to work.

After a few moments, Jay said. “Way back home to Kansas!”

Dominic glowered. “Just keep it up, I’ll kick your ass over the rainbow.”

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