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September 24, 2007

David: What's The Matter With Kids Today?

It was a miracle of modern biochemistry: a simple starchy vegetable modified to generate a cocktail of enzymes, neurotransmitters, and serotonin reuptake inhibitors. As a result, anyone who ate one became unnaturally apathetic.

Originally intended for use in mental institutions, to control and sedate the patients, the tuber did not prevent the formation of long-term memories, but rather prevented emotional attachments to those memories. People could remember events, but were unable to care.

Introduction into public schools met with little resistance, owing to the judicious use of the food among the deciding council, where menus identified them as “Idunno Potatoes.”

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