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December 7, 2006

12.07.06

I saw this headline: Flatulence, not turbulence, forces plane to land

Today's theme is to write about how a person's bodily functions can affect others.

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Jim: Spit Happens

I stared into his cold eyes. “That was my brother you killed in Abilene, Lefty,” I growled.

The crowded saloon fell silent except for the lonely ting of some old-timer spitting into a cuspidor.

“That was a fair fight,” he drawled.

Ting.

I shook my head. “Not possible. He was twice as fast as you.”

Ting.

“And you’re here to get revenge?” Lefty asked.

Ting.

“Yep,” I replied.

The warm splatter of tobacco juice on my cheek startled me so much that I missed Lefty’s draw.

“Thanks, Pop,” Lefty told the old-timer while his first bullet drilled into my gut.

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David: Violation

“Every night,” she muttered, pouring the wine. “He does it to me every night. And then he expects me to lie next to him and go to sleep as if it were nothing.” She opened the box of rat poison and picked up a spoon. “I’m totally justified in doing this,” she continued as she scooped out a heaping spoonful of the hazardous powder. “Any woman in my position, who’s been through what I have, would do exactly the same thing.” She dropped the poison into the glass and stirred until it dissolved. “This should teach him not to snore.”

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Jeff R.:The Smell of Progress

Back when human genetic engineering was just a subject for science fiction, people used to think that rich parents would use it to make 'designer babies' with genes for higher intelligence or atheletic ability. These predictions were clearly made by people who had never changed a diaper in their life.

The first really popular genetic modification was the Load-O-Roses package, giving the kids of the upper-middle-class and beyond lower intestines that not only cleaned up the more offending smells but added a pleasant floral bouquet.

The meaning of the phrase "He thinks his shit don't stink" changed, but only slightly.

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Ted: Getting Penny's Answer

The bones were old, and weird. The skull was that of a large cat. The spine was a full twelve feet long, with no arms or legs attached.

"How are these supposed to help us find your dad?" I asked Penny.

"Dad says that they react with, well, you know. Guy stuff."

The realization of what she said crept over me like a cold winter's fog. "You mean...?"

"Hey, wizards are sexual people too. Besides, I'll help."

"Penny, honey, if you're trying to get me back..." my resolve fading as soon as her tunic hit the stone floor. Aw, hell.

Read more from Ted's .

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Stacy: Nokomis Redux

When she was born, flowers bloomed everywhere, irrespective of season, climate and time of day.

When she was ten, a boy broke her heart and made her cry. The skies opened and rained for days.

When she was twenty, she made love for the first time. New volcanos appeared along the Pacific Rim.

When she was thirty, she truly knew what it was to love. The earth’s temperature rose two degrees, causing worldwide flooding.

When she was forty, she bore her only child. The geologists puzzled for decades over the earthquakes that followed.

When she dies, so shall we all.

Read more from Stacy's .

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Tanya: Untitled

“Mommy, I have to pee.”

“Stop calling me that. And you should’ve gone in Topeka. Hold it.”

Ten minutes sped by, like the plains beside the freeway.

“Mommy, I really have to go.”

“Fine.” Katherine pulled off the road and stopped. She let the boy out on the shoulder, grumbling to herself. “Goddamn kid. I’m too young to…”

Her glance caught the yellow stream, and the similarly golden rattlesnake it had awoken. Next thing she knew, she had a shovel in her hands, the snake’s head was off, and she was sobbing on the boy. A near miss, both ways.

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