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October 24, 2006

David: Betrayed

“They promised us flying cars,” grumbled the old man to the passenger beside him. “Nuclear powered flying cars that drove themselves. And jet packs. And smart houses that bought groceries for us and turned off the lights. And robot servants to do the heavy lifting or have sex with. They promised all these things, but where are they?

“They lied to us. This isn’t the future. It’s more of the same old crap.”

The old man read the page again, then crumpled it up and threw it on the floor of the bus. “They promised us a cure for cancer.”

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Maybe have the old man crumple it up and deep hacking cough instead of throwing it on the floor? That would give a clue to his personal interest in cancer?

Posted by: Laurence Simon at October 24, 2006 2:50 PM · Permalink

Maybe the old guy could get hisself frozen like Arty.

Posted by: Kasac at October 24, 2006 2:53 PM · Permalink

Is today Critique Day, Laurence?

Posted by: Stacy at October 24, 2006 3:19 PM · Permalink

Stacy- Every day is crtique day. I just thought that one detail might help set up the "cancer" finish.

If you're got any pointers on how to refine or smooth out my own stories, I'd appreciate it.

Posted by: Laurence Simon at October 24, 2006 3:54 PM · Permalink

I for one thought the cancer finish was perfectly subtle and ingeniously contrived.

Sorry, I'll stay out of it.

Posted by: Kasac at October 24, 2006 3:59 PM · Permalink

I was trying to be subtle and ambiguous. Maybe it's his cancer, maybe it's just cancer he's heard about. As long as the reader realizes he's stopped being hypothetical, that's enough.

Also, if anyone ever has anything to say about anything I write, I'm glad to hear it. It means I engaged you enough to make a thought form in your head. Bwa ha! I'm in your heads, poking your cerebellums! *poke poke*


Posted by: David at October 24, 2006 4:17 PM · Permalink

Laurence - I just enjoy what we write. If I don't understand where something came from, then yeah, I'll ask. It just seemed the critiquing came out of nowhere. Wondered if I missed a memo.

Kasac - Hah.

David - Cerebellumses

Posted by: Stacy at October 24, 2006 5:31 PM · Permalink

Check before you post!