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September 25, 2006

9.25.06

Today's theme asks for a new addition to the zodiac.

For reference, here is the existing zodiac.

Reminder to the commenters: Your entry must be exactly 100 words to be considered for front page posting, but feel free to use a title (as we do) and it will not be included in your word count.

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Ted: Bring in the Wine

From the desk of Jimmy:

From the first of December to the end of January will now be represented by the new sign "Bacchus". You can see this visually in the southern sky. This new zodiacal sign shall be celebrated with nightly ritualistic drinking of wine and tequila. Anyone still vertical by midnight on any night during this season shall be required to lie down, preferably with someone else. Acceptable worship position are 'lamp of Bacchus', 'flying wine bottle', and of course my favorite, 'dueling fountains of spirits.'
(see appendix "Enlightenment Paths" of the Scripture "Good Wine for Good Spirits")

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Stacy : Warning

From: The Office of Zodiacal and Astrological Oversight

For General Release:

Effective immediately, the zodiacal time heretofore known as "Scorpio" shall be subdivided to "Scorpio" and "Hellbitchica." Hellbitchica will begin November 17th, and run through November 22nd. Any individual choosing to voluntarily seek out a mate originating from this astrological period shall be deemed mentally incompetent and stripped of all authority, voting rights, and their driver's license.

The general public is advised to steer well clear of those hailing from Hellbitchica, and pregnant women due during that time should look into having elective C-Sections to avoid the associated negative influences.

Read more from Stacy's .

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Jim: Why Gemini Wears Boots

“Notice how each of the twelve constellations are precisely 30 degrees apart?” Ptolemy asked the old mathematician plowing through the scrolls on his new science of astrology.

Menelaus of Alexandria spat an olive pit into the garden. “But Hipparchus proved the sidereal year is more than just 360 days. How do you account for the extra days?”

Ptolemy grinned, “I kind of fudged a little with the actual dates and threw in a concept I call “cusp” to account for any missing days.”

And so the mound of stars under Taurus’ tail never took its rightful place in the zodiac.

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Michele: Born Under a Bad Sign

Emotia is the 13th sign of the Zodiac.

Those born under this sign are brooding, melancholy and emotional. Their self inflicted sadness so overwhelms their life that they fail to see they are bringing it on themselves and tend to blame the world at large for their depressing life view. They expect bad luck to follow them and they often experience heartbreak over relationships that existed only in their minds. They find solace in bad poetry and sad music and can often be found huddled in the corner of a coffee shop listening to the Smiths.

Famous Emotias: Robert Smith

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The Eschatologist: Devnullia

Impossibly, this particular sign remained hidden until recent scientific discoveries with dark matter research made it possible to see. Once made known, astrologic luminaries quickly and easily determined that those people who were born under this sign would be doomed to die or disappear under mysterious circumstances - and in every case with no trace left of them whatsoever. Of course, it was easy to go back into historical and forensic records and to correlate horrific events to their birth under this sign. These records proving their existence were of little help, however, as no bodies were ever found.

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David: Progress

As Earth hurtles through the void, the stars shift, rendering the old constellations obsolete even as new configurations form, picked out by the keen, imaginative eyes of the astrologers. Being products of their era, the shapes they discern from the celestial sphere are necessarily relevant to the material world surrounding them.

Such a day came, when the mystics, seers, and soothsayers gathered in grand convocation, studying the heavens with an eye toward generating a symbol that would chart the course of lives for the next millennium. Thus it was that venerable Taurus was retired in favor of its replacement: Ipod.

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From the Comments - By Cranky-D

He saw an attractive woman at the bar. He decided to give it a shot.

"So, what's your sign?" He tried to work up an ironic expression to demonstrate his abounding coolness.

She looked at him with a small smile. "You first."

"I'm a Gemini."

"Oh, that's too bad. I'm an AntiGemini. It could never work between us. I'm like antimatter to your matter."

"But, since I'm a Gemini, I'm twins. How can you cancel out both of them?"

"It's either that or my second option."

"And that is?"

"I find you repulsive."

"I can live with AntiGemini."

"That's good."

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