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November 15, 2005

Volume 8, Issue 15

In honor of the current state of this site, today's theme is MASS CONFUSION.

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It took several days of analyzing data to determine the cause for the failure, but the scientists were finally ready to present their report to the General.

"So, why did my atomic bomb fail?" the General demanded.

"Well, the triggering explosive performed as planned," Kamal began. "The uranium core was compressed until it reached what should have been the point of criticality, and then ... All radioactivity ceased. It was like, instead of initiating a self sustaining chain reaction, the neutrons just stopped completely, like they didn't know what to do next. Instead of reaching critical mass, we reached mass confusion."

Posted by: hnumpah at November 15, 2005 7:59 AM · Permalink

As usual, the faithful of Berkeley’s St. Yoko’s gathered for Sunday services. And, as usual, someone from the diocese had to go find them and herd them into the cathedral.

There they found Father Bartholomew Sunshine drooling a tiny puddle of grape juice onto his flowered vestments as he napped against the sepulchre. Two altar boys scrambled to light the sacred pews afire while another pair doused the pews with holy water.

A representative from NOW was on-hand to ensure that there were equal numbers of hymns and hers.

I’m told that the Vatican does not recognize this particular congregation.

Posted by: Jim Parkinson at November 15, 2005 8:41 AM · Permalink

Father Domenic was beginning to come unglued.

The Offertory had gone just fine. Sanctus, likewise. Lord’s Prayer, no problem.

The Agnus Dei had never sounded sweeter.

It was after Communion that things began to get sketchy. Congregants started milling around aimlessly, bumping into each other wordlessly in the pews, tripping over the kneelers, eyes glazed. It took three hours to herd them all out the door after “Missa est.”

By now, Domenic felt pretty strange himself. Bizarre lights flashed; weird howls echoed. Was God speaking?

Later, he found out that an altar boy had spiked the Communion wine with LSD.

Posted by: Elisson at November 15, 2005 9:37 AM · Permalink

So basically everyone else believes that mass confusion is either war or religion or both.

Posted by: D at November 16, 2005 2:07 AM · Permalink

That was all wordplay on the word 'mass', D.

I wouldn't read any more into it than that.

Posted by: Jim Parkinson at November 16, 2005 3:21 AM · Permalink

Well, I admit I considered something along the lines of a Catholic mass before I settled on the story I did write. I also considered something about Ted Kennedy and John Kerry, but when I can avoid religion and politics, I tend to do so.

Posted by: hnumpah at November 16, 2005 5:37 AM · Permalink

"I don't believe this," said Suzanne. "The scale says I weigh 137 pounds. I was down to 125 just last week! I'm so confused."

"Actually," said D, breaking the flow of the narrative, "this story is really about 'weight confusion.' Mass and weight aren't the same thing."

"Pardon?" I said.

"Mass and weight are different measures. Mass is the amount of matter a body has, and weight is an expression of the gravitational force acting on that body."

"Huh. Now I'm confused," I said, hoping that D would just go away and let me finish the thing as it was.

Posted by: G-Do at November 16, 2005 5:48 AM · Permalink