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July 20, 2005

Volume 3, Issue 20

President Bush has nominated John Roberts, Jr. to replace the retiring Sandra Day O'Connor on the United States Supreme Court.

The theme for the day is the word: judge.

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Comments

"Open the Gate in '78!"

At the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve for as far back as I can remember, Judgement Day has loomed just around the corner for my mother. And as a kid way back in '78, I was thoroughly convinced. Fortunately, I'd already been baptized, and always attended church religiously, so I figured I was covered...all except for that elusive talking in tongues requirement. This remained a concern until that stroke of midnight in '78.... when I discovered that babbling came fairly easy after several hours of fervent prayer lasting way past my normal bedtime.

Posted by: K. Brown at July 20, 2005 7:02 AM · Permalink

Somehow, they were able to find a few scraps of DNA amidst the smoking wreckage.

It wasn’t much, but they didn’t need much. The hardest part was making sure it was the right DNA, with so many possibilities.

They made two thousand seven hundred fifty two clones. Each one a perfect Muhammad Atta, down to the cell structure. Each one handed over to the family of a Trade Center victim.

Each family had thirty days to dispose of their “Atta-Boy,” in whatever manner they wished.

Amazing what kind of justice you get when the judge has a Molecular Biology degree.

Posted by: Elisson at July 20, 2005 8:41 AM · Permalink

"Don't judge me," he said without the slightest hint of wit or irony.

It was bad enough he had just finished a full plate of bananas and mayonnaise, now he had moved on to the second course of peanut butter and celery. Sure, it should have been just another childhood snack but Aaron could make any snack seem lurid.

I gagged a little.

"You have to enjoy it in every way or else it's not worth it," he said. He licked the peanut butter clean of the celery and then dipped the celery into the waiting can of potted meat.

Posted by: Gabe at July 20, 2005 10:06 AM · Permalink

Mad Judge McKenzie rode the Omaha to Salt Lake City circuit.

He wasn't called Mad for nothing. He once sentenced a horsethief to be forcefed pigshit until he died. Took three weeks. Lawyers trying to claim Cruel and Unusual mattered out west got sentenced the "Naked Stockade", a McKenzie favorite. If they really annoyed him, he'd shave their crotch first.

McKenzie hated Mormons, but loved Utah. He'd marry any couple he'd see together. Men and women, men and boys, mothers and sons; no difference.

When he dropped dead, someone exhumed him and ran him for mayor. He served two terms.

Posted by: Jeff R. at July 20, 2005 10:33 AM · Permalink

“Any final statements?” Judge Holmes, grim behind his elevated desk, inquired formally.

“The defense rests,” I reply shakily. I wanted to scream out that this surreal nightmare, this travesty, could not be allowed! But fear of a contempt sentence kept me silent.

Then, with a resounding thump, Judge Holmes executed the sentencing. The shock from that blow seemed to strike the entire courtroom; everyone gasped at once into a stunned silence.

We all looked in horror at the axe the judge still held, embedded in his desk between two halves of a tiny baby. Could Solomon’s Law be considered precedent?

Posted by: Jim Parkinson at July 20, 2005 11:46 AM · Permalink

I pluck at the keys; the piano's out of tune.

Behind me slouches the body of the celebrated partisan. On the piano's black body are transcript notes for tomorrow's radio show: "...the President...unbelievable arrogance...selling secrets...a call for impeachment..."

Why do people talk about things they can't possibly judge? This must sound strange, coming from a piano-string assassin, but working in our industry teaches you a little bit about reserving judgement of the things outside your experience. Restraint informs the assassin's mind; it keeps him alive.

Truly, only he who carries the sword is given the scales to judge it by.

Posted by: G-Do at July 20, 2005 7:44 PM · Permalink

That last bit ("He who carries the sword...") is lifted whole-cloth from Shadowgate for the NES.

Posted by: G-Do at July 20, 2005 7:46 PM · Permalink

I just re-read that comment. "Lifted whole cloth?" Sure, you make something up out of whole cloth, but I don't think you can lift something "whole cloth."

Oh well, poor judgement :P

Posted by: G-Do at July 20, 2005 9:32 PM · Permalink

"Ooooh," I moaned in abject misery from the depths of the couch.

"Oh cut it out," she snarled without pity. "It's not like you coudn't have seen this coming."

How could I have married such a cruel, insensitive woman? Here I was dying in pain and all she could do was carp at me.

I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen, and lurched my way back to the bathroom, taking a deep gulp of Pepto Bismal on the way.

"That's the last time I judge the chili cook-off.", I sob

"You say that every year.", she says with resignation.

Posted by: Gahrie at July 20, 2005 11:49 PM · Permalink