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July 10, 2005

Volume 3, Issue 10

Jorge Luis Borges, one of the finest writers to walk the Earth, published in 1967 El libro de los seres imginarios (The Book of Imaginary Beings), based on an earlier work called Manual de zoología fantástica from 1957.

In this work he described a great many fantastic beasts from literature and from his own imagination. Your task is to envision a new entry for the catalog of imagined creatures. It can be either from literature or completely made up. I suggest check out a few entries at the link above. Enjoy!

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During the late summer, massive thunderheads form on the North American high plains, bringing blessed, thirst-quenching rain but also death in the form of tornados, hail, and lightning.

These storms can sometimes give birth to a blinding, spherical beast that hovers and darts over both forest and village, lashing out with white-hot tentacles. The merest touch from a tentacle can incinerate the hides of a hut and instantly kill either man or horse.

The Cheyenne and Arapaho tribes had names for this mysterious lightning beast but the name heard most often today is from the Sioux. Ma-nu-ka-pe. It means ‘Sparky’.

Posted by: Jim Parkinson at July 9, 2005 10:27 PM · Permalink

It was difficult in the early days of the original De Beers diamond mine to recruit workers from the nearby Zulu tribes. The natives feared the Unguni.

The giant Unguni once walked the earth, a single, titanic stride taking them from horizon to horizon. With great spears, they poked the lands, releasing searing clouds and molten rock. Their broad shields blocked the sun, killing the plants needed for life.

The creator god, Nkulunkulu, was displeased by the destruction and banished them to sleep in the earth’s bowels. Spelunkers today still hear slow, steady, thunderous breathing when they travel deep underground.

Posted by: Jim Parkinson at July 9, 2005 11:12 PM · Permalink

Of special interest to crypto-ornithologists is the rumored Bombardier Pigeon. Proponents of the distinct breed theory believe the Bombardier Pigeon evolved from the now extinct Passenger Pigeon to seek vengeance on humans. Opponents, however, suggest mere avian incontinence.

While still unverified, the tactics of the Bombardier Pigeon are well known anecdotally. This species typically mingles with its mundane, urban cousins, Columba fasciata. Then, either en masse or solo, they take flight to strafe unwary humans with their repugnant excrement. A hit to the victim’s hair or face is preferred but they will also target expensive clothing if given the opportunity.

Posted by: Jim Parkinson at July 9, 2005 11:47 PM · Permalink

Great topic! I had to keep posting because the ideas wouldn't stop coming.

Posted by: Jim Parkinson at July 9, 2005 11:50 PM · Permalink

The dreaded copper-headed water rattler is a creature of the American southeast. Folks who are native to the snakes supposed habitat almost never see one, and indeed scoff at their very existence. However, the snakes are often sighted by those who are urban dwellers and infrequent visitors to such habitat. To them, the species includes countless variations and colorings, including small green and black striped 'grass snakes' and brightly colored 'corn snakes'. Any slithering vertebrate without legs is immediately placed into this category, and is subject to a variety of attempts to eradicate it, to avoid its deadly venomous bite.

Posted by: hnumpah at July 10, 2005 8:56 AM · Permalink

The Inuits called it muklukluk. An ordinary fish in all respects, except for the mysterious pigment that colored its scales a brilliant emerald green.

The pigment had an unusual property, they discovered: it made the fish taste differently to people depending upon their moods. Spite, hate, anger, and bitterness made muklukluk taste sweet. Love tasted salty.

It became a staple of Inuit wedding ceremonies, the couple's love confirmed when they took their first bite and felt a burst of saline.

That was their last bite, too. No couple ate muklukluk after their wedding day. The sweetness would have been unbearable.

Posted by: Allah at July 10, 2005 12:19 PM · Permalink

The Stalking Mosquito, unlike its kindred, neither flies, nor buzzes in warning. Instead it walks on all fours, and uses its vestigial wings to pull apart defensive layers such as the human's overgarments, or the thick, furry coat of a dog so that it may slip on through to do its mischief.

If you have ever been bit underneath a shirt, with a tight collar, and a necktie fastened, tucked in shirttails, and sprayed-on layers of Deet (they are immune to Deet), then you have met one of these predators.

Posted by: Eric R. Ashley at July 10, 2005 7:36 PM · Permalink

Les Nessman had trouble pronouncing Spanish words. Famously, Les announced the winner of a PGA tournament as "Chy Chy ROD-you-gweez."

Later, when asked about "those little Mexican dogs," Les replied, "Chee-hoo-ah-hoo-ahs?"

As for the other thing - sorry, I got nothin'. But at least you got to picture Les trying to speak Spanish.

Posted by: Stephen Green at July 10, 2005 8:12 PM · Permalink

From Edwin A. Abott's Flatland : A Romance of Many Dimensions:

The greatest length or breadth of a full grown inhabitant of Flatland may be estimated at about eleven of your inches. Twelve inches may be regarded as a maximum.

Our Women are Straight Lines.

Our Soldiers and Lowest Class of Workmen are Triangles with two equal sides, each about eleven inches long, and a base or third side so short (often not exceeding half an inch) that they form at their vertices a very sharp and formidable angle. Indeed when their bases are of the most degraded type (not more than the eighth part of an inch in size), they can hardly be distinguished from Straight lines or Women; so extremely pointed are their vertices. With us, as with you, these Triangles are distinguished from others by being called Isosceles; and by this name I shall refer to them in the following pages.

Our Middle Class consists of Equilateral or Equal-Sided Triangles.

Our Professional Men and Gentlemen are Squares (to which class I myself belong) and Five-Sided Figures or Pentagons.

Next above these come the Nobility, of whom there are several degrees, beginning at Six-Sided Figures, or Hexagons, and from thence rising in the number of their sides till they receive the honourable title of Polygonal, or many-Sided. Finally when the number of the sides becomes so numerous, and the sides themselve so small, that the figure cannot be distinguished from a circle, he is included in the Circular or Priestly order; and this is the highest class of all.

Posted by: Fernando Colina at July 10, 2005 9:01 PM · Permalink

Edwin Abott wrote Flatland in 1880. In it he descibed a two-dimensional world whose inhabitants are flat geometrical figures. Women are straight lines. Soldiers and workmen, the next class up, are isosceles triangles with two equal sides and a shorter third side (the shorter the lower is their class). The middle class are equilateral triangles. Gentlemen and professionals are squares, as it would be expected. Above them is the nobility; the more sides (pentagons, hexagons and so on) the higher the class. Those with so many sides that they are indistinguishable from a circle are the highest class: the clergy.

Posted by: Fernando Colina at July 10, 2005 9:27 PM · Permalink

Sorry for the two postings. I did not read the rules before posting the first one, so please ignore it.

Should you want to know, this is typical of me. I'm trying to reform, so please give me some time.

Posted by: Fernando Colina at July 10, 2005 9:30 PM · Permalink

The scholar Zhuang Zhi, in his 11th century “Archive of the Living Word," described a beast with one thousand eyes that exists everywhere in time at once. In the 17th century the Archive was partially burned and, in 1907, suffered flood damage, destroying chapters describing the beast's origin and appearance. Also lost was its name, which takes 1,000 letters to spell and has meaning in every language. The Archive is written in the form of a riddle, now impossible to comprehend, though a Dutch scholar claims to have solved it: the beast and the Archive are the same entity.

Posted by: Mac McKean at July 10, 2005 9:31 PM · Permalink

Gierenring's Beast (Amh: Sirabassa): First sighting, 1862, in the vicinity of Debre Tabor by L. Erwin Gierenring, then in the train of the Emperor Tewodros II. On the basis of Gierenring's daguerrotype, biologists of the Royal Society pronounced it a distant cousin of the Leucrocotta, but Arnold Bellham maintained that it bore a closer kinship to the common wolf. Final classification awaited the arrival of an intact specimen, but the Oromo believing the beast to be the source of Amhara power, and hunted it to extinction by 1878. Four hides were stored in the imperial treasury but were lost in 1975.

Posted by: Taeyoung Jensen at July 10, 2005 11:02 PM · Permalink

As a promotional event for thanksgiving, the radio station planned to release live turkeys from a helicopter over a supermarket parking lot. They had a live remote broadcast from the supermarket, with Les Nessman reporting. Les was broadcasting live as the turkeys were released from the helicopter. It turns out that turkeys are flightless birds, so they pummited rapidly to the pavement below. As he described the events for the listening audience, Les Nessman was overcome with emotion and exclaimed, "Oh, the humanity!".

Posted by: Rick Stilson at July 10, 2005 11:07 PM · Permalink

"I love S'mores!" said Janis as she toasted a marshamallow.

“I always burn . . .what was that?” asked Seth.

They looked into the darkness.

The shadows began coalescing.

“I. . .think it’s Bigfoot,” Seth whispered.

“Don’t worry,” said Janis. "The Native Americans have stories of the Bigfoot. They are gentle creatures forced into hiding by humans who rape the land."

"Doesn't look friendly," said Seth.

"He's just hungry, I'll give him a S'more," said Janis. She approached the monster, hand held out appeasingly.

That's all Seth remembered the next day as he stumbled back into camp. There was no sign of Janis.

Posted by: Mr. Lee at July 10, 2005 11:29 PM · Permalink

The Schollophage, like the cow, is an unusual species whose persistence is directly linked to man’s dominance in nature. A variety of fungus, the Schollophage feeds on the smell of human feet. Often mistaken for staining, Schollophage colonies are recognizable as the faint brown patches found on the insoles of shoes.

The Schollophage was relatively rare before the invention of closed toe shoes and it reached its apex between the ages of work boots and air-conditioned offices. Biologists who mistook what it was eating misnamed the species, first found on odor eaters. Its Latin name, Aromivorus Pedis, is more accurate.

Posted by: Geoffrey Barto at July 10, 2005 11:36 PM · Permalink

It has co-existed with humanity from the beginning. It has been both a boon and a curse to us. It has produced art, and been the root cause of wars. It has fueled countless ambitions. It's orgins are unknown, although the Greeks claimed it was set loose by Pandora.

However this animal is always described in a negative manner, in fact it is usually described as a monster. Many have tried to slay this monster, but few have been able to best it.

It has many forms, but the one thing each breed has in common is its green eyes.

Posted by: Gahrie at July 11, 2005 12:08 AM · Permalink