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June 7, 2005

Volume 2, Issue 7

Random book. Random line. Random Andy.

"In case you're wondering, I don't spend the entire workday inside my tailor shop."

As always, click above to see the book, maybe add it to your collection, because - hey now - would I steer you wrong?

No, I wouldn't, not even for a gazillion dollars (however, a bazillion is another story indeed).

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Comments

Howard put down the jacket he was working on and turned up the volume on his radio. "...the child fell into an abandoned well about fifty feet deep, and can be heard crying at the bottom, but rescuers are unable to reach him because the shaft is too narrow for an adult. They have sent for equipment to dig a parallel shaft but it may be hours before that equipment arrives..."

This was it, Howard thought, leaping to his feet. The situation was tailor-made for his special abilities. It was time for the world to meet his alter ego - Needleman.

Posted by: hnumpah at June 7, 2005 4:43 AM · Permalink

The bell jingled for the hundredth time that day, but this time there was something different, something that made him look up from his figures.

He kept his jaw from dropping. The gentle curve of the woman’s own jaw led up toward an unruly tangle of curly hair, but it was her eyes that mesmerized him. They blazed with a fierce intelligence that was somehow enhanced by the jumble of clothes that she appeared to have thrown on five minutes before. He needed to impress her.

“"In case you're wondering, I don't spend the entire workday inside my tailor shop.”

Posted by: Hubris at June 7, 2005 5:16 AM · Permalink

The young cop stared at me in stunned amazement. The older cop said, “Nice job but we’re probably not going to be able to salvage your measuring tape.”

“That’s all right officer,” I replied. “I must have gotten excited. I almost never cut off the circulation like that when I tie someone up.”

“I can’t feel my hands you miserable fuck,” said a voice from the pavement.

“Such language,” I said. “I should really start carrying needle and thread when I go out.”

Looking at the would be mugger I said, “You’re lucky I didn’t have my pincushion with me.”

Posted by: DocMac at June 7, 2005 6:05 AM · Permalink

I'll take you to my tailor shop.
I'll let you run the sewing machine.
Go 'head girl, don't you stop.
Keep going 'til you know that inseam (whoa).

I'll take you to the tailor shop.
Boy one look at what I got.
I'll have you spending all you got.
Keep going, look at the lines it's got.

I'll take you to my tailor shop.
Don't be giving me those wide lapels.
Go 'head girl, you know that's gotta stop.
Keep going 'til I look like Dave Chappelle.

(And with my final thirteen words, I'd like to sincerely apologize for this.)

Posted by: marc at June 7, 2005 6:28 AM · Permalink

As usual, I’m in the middle of something when they come through.

Thursday, I was pressing a suit. Today, I was measuring Goldberg for a pair of pants. 38 waist, 30 inseam, dresses to the left, if you’re curious.

Hey, I don’t spend the whole day in here. But somebody has to be there to put up a good front, and I got picked. Maybe it’s because, in my other life, I really was a tailor.

But now, six hours a day, six days a week, I’m just the fucking doorman for the United Network Command for Law and Enforcement.

Posted by: Elisson at June 7, 2005 7:08 AM · Permalink

"How many times are you going to pick that seam out?" I glance up from my work to glare at my friend and then back to the problem at hand. "If you are going to do something, do it right." I reply. "Anyone who could have seen the error in that seam would get thier face slapped, from three feet away it looks perfect." "Maybe so but I will know."
"It is time to go." I say standing. "To go see your grandmother?" "Yes." "You know you are a better tailor than she is." "Not than she use to be."

Posted by: Blaine at June 7, 2005 7:36 AM · Permalink

Elisson-

When one door gets closed and nailed shut by lawyers, another opens.

Posted by: Laurence Simon at June 7, 2005 7:59 AM · Permalink

"There's also my manicurist. And my stylist. And even though my work is mostly by night, some old women do get lonely during the daytime."

"Yes, rich old women. Like Willie Sutton said, that's where-"

"I already told you I slept with them. I don't know why you keep-"

"Like I said, I was at the tailor. Yes, all three afternoons. First to pick out the style, then to be fitted, and finally for adjustments. Listen, why haven't you talked to Ernesto? I told you he could vouch for my whereabouts."

"I think I will be wanting that lawyer now."

Posted by: Jeff R. at June 7, 2005 9:03 AM · Permalink

Perhaps you haven’t read my belt. Here, let me help. “Seven in 1 blow.” Impressive, eh?

See, I wasn’t always a tailor. I’ve caught a wild boar, scared giants, and even caught a unicorn. Married a princess, too, and even became king. How many can say that?

But, alas, I wasn’t happy. Sex with the princess was boring at best, and the concubines let themselves go. Eventually, I got tired of it all. I sold the kingdom to the highest bidder, and came back home richer than any king.

I do miss one thing- that princess did have fantastic boobs.

Posted by: Bigpapachiop at June 7, 2005 9:18 AM · Permalink

Bigpapachiop- Finally, a Happy Ending

Perhaps you haven’t read my belt. Here, let me help. “Seven in 1 blow.” Impressive, eh?

See, I wasn’t always a tailor. I’ve caught a wild boar, scared giants, and even caught a unicorn. Married a princess, too, and even became king. How many can say that?

But, alas, I wasn’t happy. Sex with the princess was boring at best, and the concubines let themselves go. Eventually, I got tired of it all. I sold the kingdom to the highest bidder, and came back home richer than any king.

I do miss one thing- that princess did have fantastic boobs.

Posted by: Bigpapachiop at June 7, 2005 9:20 AM · Permalink

Marc, I don't know whether to be impressed or disgusted.

I think, perhaps, it's both.

Posted by: Keiran Halcyon at June 7, 2005 10:17 AM · Permalink

"Of course I don't spend all day in my tailors' shop," he grumbled. "It's only a front, anyway."
"A what?" Frank asked, his voice rising sharply as he struggled against a sudden wave of hysteria.
The tailor looked up at him, a sly grin creeping across his face showing crooked, gapping dental work. "Oh, you didn't know 'bout that, did you?" He shook his head slowly. "I suppose I shouldn't have said that, really. Now Benny will have to take you out back. You understand." The old man's eyes were shining brightly. "Uncle Joey can't stand loose ends, you know."

Posted by: Jenny at June 7, 2005 10:23 AM · Permalink

Luncheon on the veranda. Seared ahi, baby greens with raspberry vinegarette, iced jasmine green tea.

("Tea at lunch, dahlings, martinis at five.")

She chatted with mom while I gazed out over the compound grounds.

"Come!" she swept us into her home, "I have finished the design."

Mom took the sketches, gasping, "E! These are ..."

"Gorgeous! Of course, dahling. You think I do less for our Vi's wedding? I will attend, like I did, Helen, for you and Bob." Edna's eyes twinkled behind the owl-rim glasses, "In case you're wondering, dahlings, I don't spend the entire workday inside my ... tailor shop."

Posted by: Darleen at June 7, 2005 12:22 PM · Permalink

"In case you're wondering, I don't spend the entire workday inside my tailor shop. Though it'd be better if I did.

"It's that damned internet. Makes it harder and harder to let go because she's always there. Harder and harder when you know what's real doesn't match her false projection.

"No, it's much easier to stay here, mind switched only to the sewing and the stitching. Far away from any reminders, new or old. Far away from any access.

"There are somedays I become useless, temptation to torture myself too strong. Those days I head home early, login and drink."

Posted by: Jason at June 7, 2005 1:01 PM · Permalink

Keiran -- I suggest disgust, but the song popped into my head immediately when I read the theme quote. It's one of those "so bad I have to share" moments.

Posted by: marc at June 7, 2005 1:34 PM · Permalink

He didn’t spend all day in the shop, that was for sure. We always kept the needles flying during the day, while he went out and drummed up the night work. No one complained because it beat the hell out of starving and, besides, we didn’t know any better. Sure, we knew we were being used; it’s not like you could avoid knowing. Layers of tulle and silk and taffeta couldn’t hide what we were and after awhile you just stopped caring. Right up until the damned garment workers union set up the picket line. That's when we were shamed.

Posted by: Reba at June 7, 2005 2:35 PM · Permalink

The tailor looked up and let out a long, low whistle. “Are you sure you want to try this again, Majesty? You remember what happened last time.”

“Use more rope this time, Tailor. Last time you didn’t use enough.”

“If it works, Majesty, you know that this thing is going to stink up the beach for months.”

“Better than letting it go, though, Tailor. Get to work now!”

The tailor summoned his helpers to bring ladders and lots of rope. The thing must be secure. There was no way that he was going to be held responsible for another Gulliver.

Posted by: Jim Parkinson at June 7, 2005 3:06 PM · Permalink

In case you're wondering, I don't spend the entire workday inside my tailor shop.

Oh no.

At least once a day I go down to the zoo. They're beginning to recognize me now, I'm starting to lure them into a false sense of security.

I wander, seemingly aimlessly, around the zoo, but I always end up outside the Howler Monkey cage.

There I sit and plan.

I haven't forgotten the ignominy of that 5th grade field trip, and the pain those monsters had caused me.

My day will come, and oh will that day be sweet.

Revenge is coming monkey....

Posted by: Gahrie at June 7, 2005 5:42 PM · Permalink

Marc,

Thought the reference funny myself.

Posted by: Jade at June 8, 2005 6:40 AM · Permalink