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May 23, 2005

Volume 1, Issue 11

You like soup, don't you?

Then you'll like the theme.

Because it's "Soup."

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Ted: Marcella's Diner

"No, that's just the base of a soup, you have to add other flavors!"

I remembered having that conversation with her ten years ago. I wondered why she had gotten so angry so fast. Her boss was working her too hard.

So when she showed up on my doorstep with bricks of hundred dollar bills and said she needed something better to do with her life, it seemed like something perfect.

Open a little diner, fresh soup every day, fresh pie at lunch time.

Now here I am, ducked down behind a bulletproof counter, wondering who the hell Boudroux is.

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Michele: Nightswimming

His little legs kicked and kicked and he struggled to get some kind of lift off, but the substance was thick and murky, and he only sunk down further.

What the hell is this? Lentil? Pea? He forgot the color differentiation between the two and futilely wished that he had paid more attention in safety class.

Finally, his repeated kicking attempts pushed him close enough to the edge to feel that safety was in reach.

And then he heard those dreaded words, the last heard words of so many of his fallen brethren:

Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!

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The Eschatologist: Thane of Soup

"Where've you been?"

"What's it to you, dear sister? If you must know, I've been out killing swine."

"That's enough lip from you. Be a dear and keep stirring this cauldron for me. It's a dish we'll be looking forward to. Get it? Say, where's sis?"

"Aren't you a riot. And damned if I know. Did you ever avenge yourself on that sailor's wife? The chestnut incident?"

"I'm here. And company's coming!"

"Shhhh! Do you hear a drum?"

"That's what I'm trying to tell..."

"Hush! Here comes Banquo and the other one. You know. What's his name again?"

"Bloody witches."

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From the Comments: Lesley

“Wonder Twin Powers, Activate!”

“Shape of a tiger!”

“Form of soup!”

I know what you’re thinking. My sister got the cool power. She gets to turn into ferocious animals. Me? I get to become things made of water. But don’t feel sorry for me.

Think about the cool things I can do. Like when I meet some hot chick at a party who’s complaining her drink isn’t cold? Form of an ice cube, and I’m so in. Chicks dig the ice cube bit. This one babe taught me something about ice cubes…

Like I said. Don’t feel sorry for me.

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Stacy: So Married

"Have you seen this cabbage soup diet? Says you can lose 10 pounds in 7 days!"

"That'll be nice, dear," came the voice from behind the newspaper. "We’ll be able to heat our house forever on all the methane you’ll produce."

She grinned. "You know women don't fart, that's a very common misapprehension."

The newspaper vibrated slightly. "Neither do they snore, I know," came the slightly muffled reply.

“Of course we don’t,” she said calmly, cream cheesing her bagel. “We simply breathe rhythmically.

The newspaper rattled. She threw her bagel at it, scored a direct hit on the sports section.

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